The best way to come up with a name for your business today is to have no idea how to spell the product you’re trying to sell

I always know that I’m being too optimistic about how my day’s gonna go when I lather, rinse, and then have the audacity to repeat

Let us not forget that Rally’s/Checkers tried to come up with a mascot in 2014, and this is what they agreed on

I’m writing a script. No idea what it’s about but there will be a ton of phone calls that all end in clear and sincere goodbyes before hanging up.

I’ve committed to both finally investing in nice sneakers and not shaving or cutting my hair till next year, so I look like a gutter punk hypebeast

Mothers and rappers are the only reasons that voicemail still exists

Since Bernie lost the nomination but accurately predicted how the election would go down, I’d like to nominate him to replace Paul, the octopus who correctly predicted the winner in all of Germany’s matches in the 2010 World Cup

Now that Trump is gonna be out of office soon, I can finally freely admit that I met him once and he really stinks. His head just smells bad and his feet are, like, so stinky and his butt smells like piss.

In honor of the upcoming Biden presidency, I’ve sent all of my followers this shirt that seems like something he would wear if he was just a random guy on the street

The secret to getting any woman to fall for you is to act like their mouth is unbearably spicy the first few times you kiss them. Scream, cry, and punch the ground until your hands bleed and you’ll be irresistible in no time

Mfw it’s Mardi Gras and everything is normal

We must eliminate the Cocomelon

I’ve touched Jay Leno’s Tonight Show money

I’ve had sex during Detective Pikachu

Tonight on #COMEDYFUCKYEAH! Kamari Stevens Amanda G Thang RA Butch GAF BAN Ed Black Paul Oswell Anthony Scontrino & more! Hosted by Vincent Zambon Tickets just 10 bucks! Doors 8pm | Show 8:30pm Dragons Den