Dentist: okay this might hurt a little. ready? Me: [nods] Dentist: when people act surprised by your age they’re just being nice

"If you go to daycare they make you wait in a cage until your parents pick you up" - 5's scathing review of the fenced playground for the Aftercare Program at school

There's no school tomorrow so I told the kids we are going to sleep in our own beds all night and not get up until at least 8 and then we all laughed and laughed until I cried. We will be up at 4.

I told my mom all the kids were sick so she dropped off supplies

"If Captain America were real he would live in Canada because he's nice and America can mean anywhere in North America, South America, or Central America" - My 7 year old, practicing to stir up trouble on Marvel forums

We're watching videos on YouTube when suddenly, the video freezes and a circle of spinning dots appears. My 5 year old says, "Mommy, what is THAT? What's HAPPENING?? Why isn't the video playing???" I smile wistfully and reply, "oh, it's buffering."

Kids be like, oh I see you’re taking a nap on the couch. This is the perfect time to crunch chips directly into your ear.

It’s a well-known parenting fact that every single patient zero who brings home germs to the household is the always kid who is the master at projectile-sneezing into everyone’s face from across the room.

Massively minor inconveniences that are still annoying #137: Sneezing immediately after putting mascara on.

I bullied a small business owner into hiring me as his remote office manager but now I'm having impostor syndrome because while I am experienced and capable and qualified, what if I just forgot I was stupid??

5: look what I can do without using my hands. *skips down the hall* Me: woooooooooooooow.

Something you don't fully grasp until you're actually a parent: Even if you're exhausted and/or having a shitty day, you still have to parent. Even if your tank is quite nearly empty, you still have to parent.

I keep mixing up Leslie Neilson and Liam Neeson, but also the Lethal Weapons and Naked Gun films, and I'm not sure what that says about my brain.

7: what are those birds called again that go, “chick-a-dee-dee-dee..” ? Me: are you joking? 7: no Me: an owl.

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.” Green Day, the band was Green Day.

Tonight my 7yo didn’t want to finish his dinner because his “teeth were too tired.” I didn’t know that was a thing, but it looks like he just made it a thing.

6: I don’t want to go to school today. I already know everything. Me: what’s the capital of Michigan? 6: … M Me:

Me: (trying to get 4 to sleep) look at the colors on the inside of your eyelids 4: I found a word in my eyelids Me: what did the words say? 4: I dont know. You know I can't read Me:

When I feel like my hair is taking forever to grow, I remind myself that if these were my pre-breastfeeding days, my hair would be down past my boobs by now

Me: I need to run in and get drinks for 9’s birthday party. Hubs: Go get that beer. 7 year old: DON’T MOM, WE CAN’T DRINK BEER, IT HAS ORCA-HAUL.