Being allergic to dogs is your body’s way of telling you to go fuck yourself.

Allergy medicine names sound like rejected spells. #allegra #alavert #charmsclass

DJ Khaled talks like Trump if he was super high.

Oh man, if these walls could tweet.

On the plus side, a lot more Americans know what the word collusion means now.

I humanize my idols by picturing them singing Dashboard Confessional, exclusively.

The problem with swim-up pool bars is that you’re sitting in water that is mostly urine.

I feel like my brain always really needs to pee.

Can stop. Might stop.

So far, nothing has come true from all those games of MASH.

Bad news: my sex tape leaked. Good news: exclusively on Tidal.

2016 was written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

Don't drink too much tonight, we might not have healthcare soon. #fuck

I've only ever just wanted to make enough money to buy a ping pong table.

Snapple cap facts are the exact opposite of Wikipedia. I've never once questioned it.

At least they can't reboot a modern Titanic since we don't have any more icebergs.

Check out this commercial I directed for Google Play! #aprilfoolsday #puppies x.com/googleplay/sta…

These #Coachella photos would be more enticing if they had more chairs in them.

Can birds get jet lag?

Maslow's hierarchy of neediness.