'of course I like you. I'm a Russian girl, I like playing with bears'

You going to get dumplings at 1:30 in the morning, you end up getting driven back to your abode at 4:30 after having drank in the streets we took the drivers for hours. I have never eaten so many rat tails filled with bones as I have tonight

I've always joked that Italians were idiots. But hearing one try and tell me pasta isn't noodles, while also explaining that he has no idea where his food comes from was nauseating

I was a kid. And I loved documentaries about airplane crashes. Right before the porn

'Come on guys, it's all the same. Sort your shit out '

-Lauren

Going to start a company in Bangkok where sell big beer coozies to tourists to keep their beers cool, and the right size. And they will be sold on my weed-nery tours, like a wine tour, but to farms around Bangkok. Million dollar idea

I'm always curious to find out what Chinese tourists think while traveling around to European cathedrals. Are they like, 'what's with all the baby dicks?'

'I don't want to make people have boners'

-Common, 2023

I once had a co-worker tell me that I had a face for movies. And I think that might be the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me. And I'm 98% certain he wasn't trying to fuck me

'Welcome to the circus... You know...'

'You never seen the Amish before? In top hats and tuxedos?'

Local new Brunswick girl

My harshest reality:
I didn't expect everybody to turn out so normal. Except for me

I get that I'm unlikeable. But why am I unforgivable?

When a kid in China is diging on a beach, what country does he think he is digging to?

I know you're pissed off at me. But give me attention

I'm working with a student and she turns to me and says:

'Hey can I ask you something personal?”

Feeling like I've finally gotten through to this hard to connect with teen I say of course.

She say, 'So like... So like do you use shampoo on your bald head or what?”

Me - I'm going to submit this to the joke of the year awards.

Bailey - I didn't know they had those!

Me - I'm not surprised

Me - apostrophes are just sky commas.

Bailey - That's why they're called apostrophes. Because they say 'I'm up here.
Ap here.
I'm up-o-here.
I'm up here. Strophe.

If you are going to disappear from the gay club but you do not belong to with a bunch of good friends that you have just met that night. Don't do it for an hour, and don't expect for you just find them when you come back

Not getting extorted by cops>finishing your shitty drinks hiding behind topiary in public