It’s crazy that the phrase “women aren’t funny” became popular. Must have started before comments were a thing. 🤔 Every time I’m on the internet and read any comment anywhere my first thought is always: “Jesus Christ… men really aren’t funny”

The hottest thing a man has ever said to me: 3. Nothing. 🤣 2. “I’ll do your laundry.” 🥹 1. “I got you.” 🫠 Silence, chores, and being responsible. 🥵😍 THAT’S KINDA ALL WE NEED FROM YOU

This car accident settlement can’t some soon enough. June marks TWO years without a car. TWO YEARS. 🤦🏻‍♀️ When I do get another set of wheels my girl Flo is insuring them shits. FUCK GEICO. Snake with legs. 🚫🦎🖕

If you find yourself in KFC you went to the wrong Popeyes

Since there’s no more “straight” beers maybe toxic men will stop drinking and go to therapy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Men are so unfunny they think harassment is a joke 🙃

I’m thinking about getting a VOLVO but only to change the vowels.

Men are so unfunny they think sexual assault is a joke 🙃 To be fair: he was just kidding. Unless you’re into that. Then he’s being super serious. And if you’re NOT into that: Congratulations! You’re whore?! Idk. Men make dumb rules.

All I can say about rich people dying is: my heart will go on 🙃

Last night I did so well the comic after me jokingly told the host to just give me thier time instead of having to follow me. 🤣🤣 I’M NOT FUCKING AROUND UP THERE. Ok, maybe I am fucking around. But I’m god damn good at it. BOOK ME. 💋

“I just think once I fuck, marry, or kill a woman she shouldn’t exist for anyone else to look at. IT’S CALLED HAVING MORALS.” -Most of these idiots.

Men are so dumb just thinking about them makes me feel stupid.

On the topic of straight white dude’s Netflix specials: In a world of Matt Rifes, be a Mike Birbiglia 🥹💖

“They said I couldn’t get a degree. They said I couldn’t write my own movie. They said I was too young to change the world. They said I was too old to learn something new. But I showed them!! 🥹 …by having a robot do it for me.” - An actual fucking ad for AI. 🤦🏻‍♀️

The rollercoaster of emotions I felt while tearing up for the artists and weirdos of the world during a Super Bowl ad to have the reveal be: “Yeah. I actually do suck. But thank god for robots!” 🤣🤣🤣 WHAT. THE. FUCK.🤦🏻‍♀️

Do you remember when you joined X? I do! #MyXAnniversary I actually don’t. And this website is trash. Follow me literally anywhere else!

#AmandaBynes has been mocked & ridiculed for years. #FreeAmanda She was the comedic genius of our time. She shouldn’t have to hide. If you’re unsure about any of this watch “Quiet On Set” on HBO Max. Thank you #DrakeBell for standing up to these monsters. 💖

Nobody cares about SNL or Comedy Clubs anymore but I’ve wanted to make SNL and Comedy clubs more pro-femme, diverse, & gay since I saw ‘em.

Woah. Wtf. Just watched the #PalmRoyale season finale and I NEED more Kristen Wiig in my life. 😭😭 That was one hell of a cliffhanger. Here’s to hoping there’s a season 2 🤞 Apple TV

New dude comic who bombs at the open-mics trying to convince bookers he's ready to headline: "I have the concept of a plan"