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Update: 999,823 away. It’s an uphill grind...

And to think she survived to tell the story. Let’s nut underestimate the courage it took Gwyneth to have a sandwich or a piece of toast or whatever. I wasn’t expecting a martyr today, but here we are..

Cut one of my fingernails slightly too short. It’s a tiny bit painful and really just a minor nuisance. However, being the loving husband that I am, I’m getting all of my affairs in order and instructing my wife to seek a new lover upon my impending demise Thoughts and prayers

Canada is pretty good. Take a few minutes and scroll through the comments if you’re having a bad day :)

Me April through September: wear socks? Yeah whatever, Satan. Also me: why the hell do my running shoes smell like a hot used diaper?

Why did you restrict comments on this one @CanadianUgh ? I’ve had a hankering for a Julienne Salad for a week! This could have been a moment of Twitter solidarity!

Something I think about more than I should: I haven’t worn overalls since I was about 5. Okay, carry on with your day.

Somehow I’m sure Montoyo will get blamed for only playing 36 games in the dome.

Maybe Facebook and Instagram could just try Ivermectin?

Facebook has gone down on more people today than my ex-wife. (Also this tweet was approved by my wonderful ex wife Kate Beckett )

I’ve held onto this for too long. I’m disgusted and disappointed that Elton John dips his fries in mayo. ☆ ‧dreamboy··‧̩̥˟͙冬˟͙‧̩̥l is justified for being “a little judgy”. There. I said it.

After almost 8 years of telling Karen Doerrie she’s buying dog shit Doritos she finally redeems herself.

VHS Tapes? Dear U-Haul, we’re moving houses. Not hopping in a portal and travelling back to 1987.

As restaurants get set to open back up to in person dining again, I want to make one thing clear. Abundantly clear. Pizza rolls are the best god damn appetizer ever. Go pound salt if you’re not onboard.

Hey everyone, please join the Salt Security Canada and the #IT4CC teams for our 10th and final year to raise funds for Childhood Cancer. You can donate to my team here p2p.onecause.com/it4cc/team/sal… and make a child's day a little brighter. We will be at the Hockey Hall of Fame June 2!

Check this link out you beauties. Very important cause and an amazing event that my wife Karen Doerrie has been involved with for many years now.

The boys are buzzin’ Season opener! west55 dialing the field in as we speak.

As we all know, Jesus was a carpenter. And his pals just let him stroll around all willy nilly in sandals. Super dangerous.

So incredibly accurate.