Age is just a number until it becomes a statistic.

I’m trying to be less judgmental but it’s hard because so many people do things incorrectly

Ironically the best acting is when they pretend they didn’t know they were going to win

I love the feeling after one drink. It’s like the world comes into focus. Like when I get new glasses with an updated prescription. The problem is after one point one drinks I can no longer see.

Why is it a peeping Tom? Shouldn’t it be a peeping Eugene? Doesn’t that make more sense?

The most effective protests disrupt the economy. Walking out of a commencement speech in front of a bunch of graduates who won’t get jobs doesn’t do much.

I got food poisoning and it was terrible. Spent 2 days in the bathroom and lost 6 pounds. As soon as I felt better I went back to the same restaurant and ordered the same thing.

A penny for your thoughts adjusted for inflation would be 11,794 dollars for your thoughts

New special now available on YouTube youtu.be/o6K9eafHsrk?si…

Unfortunately, the winner of the debate was anyone trying to raise money for dementia research.

I had a speech impediment as a kid. I couldn’t pronounce r’s. My parents got it fixed in case I wanted to be a pirate.

When I worked on Wall Street I was told not to put anything in an email I wouldn’t want on the front page of the Wall Street journal. So I ended every email with “The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!”

Body shaming is mean, but also effective. I wish I could hire someone to show up once a week and tell me how gross I look

Are ferrets safe? #eatingpets

What the frack is happening? #Debate2024

“Transgender operations on illegal aliens in prison…” Sounds like a log line for a failed TV show #Debate2024

Wait a sec? Is that Trump or Shane Gillis? #Debate2024

Okay fine. But who is Travis Kelce voting for? #TaylorSwift

It’s probably just me but the only day of the year I wouldn’t post my 9/11 joke is 9/11.

People enjoy going to standup comedy shows on New Year’s because at the end of the night they’re hoping that the last punch line is that this past year was just a joke.