My girlfriend is always wondering which one of us our babies will look like, yeah she wants to know if they’ll look more like her or if they’ll look more like me, which side of the family, and I have to keep telling her “well honey either way we’re siblings”

Trump said that in Ohio, they’re eating dogs and cats. All I want to know if where was RFK at the time

There was a big scandal about how elon musk got surgery to make himself taller, it’s called elongate

Whenever I see a Zionist yelling and protesting in the street, I’m like “woah, you don’t need to Isra-yell”

Trump said that in Ohio, they’re eating the cats and dogs, when I heard that I was like “Where was RFK at the time?”

Why don’t porn websites end in .cum

16 year old comedian destroys English teacher

There’s a big scandal going on

MOST OUT OF POCKET JOKES EVER TOLD

I went to a rage room the other day, it was called my girlfriends’ apartment

My sister asked “who’s gonna take care of mom, now that she has dementia?” I was like “nose goes”

This is the most TWITTER joke that I have

I saw a man wearing a dress today, so I said “gaaaayyyyyy”. And everybody around me looked, since he was in the middle of his sermon.

Dracula lowkey has some of the best spark notes I’ve ever read. Whoever wrote the spark notes big ups to you

You can get free food if you bring a gun. No one sings you happy birthday in the restaurant tho 🫤

He escaped a WAR and went to UKRAINE #StandUpComedy #war

ICE IS COMMITTING ATROCITIES. LETS TALK ABOUT IT #ice #ReneeGood #alexpretti

My brother calls me every single day. Which is very sweet, but I don’t think he knows I work at the suicide hotline.

I fly a lot and am very scared of terrorists cuz I hate seeing my friends at the airport.

Who invented the urinal? Dude was like: “I want a shelf that I can pee in.”