a lady came up to me in Michaels and said “you have a son?”

literally not anymore? did you even read the hat

He’s exorcising

Thinking of becoming a plumber and I’m not joking

I Forgot Where I Parked : the musical

I do get jealous of people with good vision just seeing shit for free

Awww. My gf…

they’re like two shelter cats that you can only adopt together

“The students don’t know what they’re talking about”

The students:

It’s giving “all that and a bag of chips”

When I control all four railroads

I once had a six hour fMRI done for a Hopkins brain study. I watched movies in there as dye coursed through my veins and afterward I got out and the dr handed me a piece of paper and on it was a picture of my brain and he said “Turns out I guess you do have one.”

I wasn’t prepared to wake up moody and stay that way today. I’m already in bed.

Yeah I’m EMO

Eatin
My
Olive Garden Neverending Pasta

just realized bill maher dresses exactly like liz lemon's dad when he's trying to cheat on his wife