Condition Yeah Yeah declared as new PM combo Morrison/Frydenberg promise change and unity with the sincerity of an Advanced Hair infomercial.

Condition Absolutely Everybody declared as this is probably the first time you've thought of Vanessa Amerosi in 2019.

Recommends that triple j shift the focus of their conversation. Maybe talk up that latest mobile game that we are totally not using to spy on you.

Condition Bacchanal declared as Citizens @mattolucas and Elizaveta Maltseva report on cheap wine, contemporary art and Melbourne galleries in Drinking With The Artist: open.spotify.com/show/3Xh0ygqtO…

Condition Ditch Witch declared as Citizen ass's comedic homage to Disturbed underappreciated. It's your fault Trent: comedyfestival.com.au/2019/shows/dem…

SECURITY ALERT: Condition Smashed Avo declared as Josh Frydenberg blames millennials for prize winning quails no longer laying eggs.

Condition LimpBizkitFan_69 declared as injunction lodged for new PlayStation account name change feature - will hamper our profiling ability to find that LiveJournal account you forgot existed.

SECURITY ALERT: Investigations show that Citizens yet to watch Game Of Thrones should avoid Tracey from Accounting. Her lack of consideration is only amplified by her nasal retelling of episode highlights.

SECURITY ALERT: We welcome the official ASIO to Twitter. Please feel free to redirect your national security concerns away from our DMs - particularly those regarding your neighbours 'suspicious looking' cat.

SECURITY ALERT: Your brightly coloured, Dinosaur-printed face mask does nothing to hide the sadness and existential angst in your eyes. Try pairing it with festive sunglasses.

SECURITY ALERT: We wish to remind Victorians that current four hour activity windows do not extend to exercises in futility.

SECURITY ALERT: Verbal analysis shows "that making decisions in the interest of people of NSW" is still technically correct if you and co-conspirators reside in the state.

Condition Back Alley declared as Sesame Street criticised for post-Roe V Wade special episode - introduces new character 'Donnie The Dumpster Baby'.

Condition Sentimental Mood declared as it's been exactly one year since you've thought about your high school crush Steven from math class. Don't worry, we won't tell anyone. Maybe.

We are aware of scammers pretending to be from #ASIO warning people about other pretenders requesting their financial details. ASIO will never warn you nor ask you to provide financial information. We already have it. Report to scamwatch.gov.au/report-a-scam @Scamwatch_gov

SECURITY ALERT: Condition Downunder declared as Coalition promise h̵a̵n̵d̵j̵o̵b̵s̵ preferences to One Nation Party candidates in marginal seats. Citizens are reminded to vote below the line - put Dutton last.

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Investigation concluded. These claims are unfounded vitriol that demonstrate both a lack of context, insufficient comprehension of fiscal policy and slight inference that you spent your childhood sticking your tongue on 9V batteries.

OUTCOME SUMMARY: You need a dictionary. As Inigo Montoya said: "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it mean." Advocating for humanist policies that represent all members of our nation to ensure they get a fair go is about as occa as it gets, mate.

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Our analysts actually like this metaphor. Both wings keep a nation balanced and are intended to support healthy checks and balances. Which makes you the cloaca - grossly efficient at spewing effluence.

OUTCOME SUMMARY: Analysis suggests this video was taken in Bondi NSW. It is a testament - a dark harbinger - whispering from beyond the veil that whoever posted that corflute didn't read regulations governing display of political campaign material on council property.