How dads say “You left the door open” in other languages: 5. Were you born on a trolleybus? (Lithuanian) 4. Are we at the Colosseum? (Italian) 3. Your tail must be long (Korean) 2. Don’t you have a rock for your cave? (Romanian) 1. Were you born with a yoke up your ass? (Slovak)

I was confused when I got to "jar of pesto" on my To Do list. It made more sense when I later found "student aid waiver" and "mail" on the grocery list.

#overheard my new coworker taking a medical aid call from an urgent care. "Tell me exactly what happened? ... Okay, mhm ... What's a priapism, I'm not familiar with that? ... OH."

Finishing up the details on a freshly stolen car. "It's got a black Thule roof box, the enclosed kind, and a gray front bumper" BLACK THULE ENCLOSED ROOF BOX, GRAY FRONT BUMPER "And there's a sticker on the back, BLM: Bang Local MILFS" REAR STICKER "BLM: BANG LOCAL [WOMEN]"

It's fun to remember that all of your thoughts, feelings, experiences, and memories are just the meat jello inside your skull zapping itself with tiny amounts of patterned electricity.

So far today, a frequent texter has called me a creep, a cracker, a terminator, a communist, Hitler, immature, abusive, inbred, a dream killer, a "selfish hypothermic ass," a thief, a liar, an old man, a "lousy sneezer," a junk Subaru, and the imperial emperor of star wars. ✨

Got a new headset today after 3 years. It sounds really clear! Full HD sound of the family screaming after their dad shot himself 🤦‍♀️

I just got a call reporting that a driver sped up intentionally to kill a baby deer that was following its mother across the road. I'm so disturbed by this one. It's so needlessly evil...

I'm trying to figure out if this caller has something to report or if they're just rambling. "Do you need police, fire, or medical aid?" "What a weird question! Go eat some oxygen or something!"

Converted military time backwards, accidentally put in that a hit and run occurred 1 hour in the future. Radio was like "was this yesterday, or it hasn't happened yet?" I corrected and sent a "lol my bad" note. She replied, "I thought maybe they were going 88 miles per hour!"

I just took a call for a drive-by shooting, it's been a while since I had one. It went really smooth. Caller was excellent, got a license plate, suspect description, and description of the target vehicle. Turns out it was a paintball gun, they found the splats 😂

I've got an open line, not really hearing anything. I do the usual TTY check, and I'm getting ready to disconnect and call back when I'm like, I think this faint static is actually someone breathing. "Press a button if you need help?" Immediately, *beep* I got a chill 😳

Eight 911 calls hit the screen within 2 seconds. All downtown. This is usually a shooting. "911, what are you reporting?" "A shooting."

Pro tip: if you are hitchhiking, don't wear your jail inmate outfit. Nobody will pick you up. 😐

The main reason I've used any sick leave this year has been because it's physically impossible to get enough rest in between shifts with all the mandatory overtime, and sometimes I'm too tired to function. It just occurred to me how messed up it is that they're doing this.

#overheard "So their pants are down, but you can't tell if they're male or female?"

"911, what are you reporting?" "Um I don't know if this guy just got shot, but I heard gunshots so I looked out, and I see a guy pointing a gun at another guy who is on the ground screaming." Yeah I'll go ahead and call that a shooting until proven otherwise