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easiest $150k of my life

Helped a lady find the garlic bread in the freezer case. She was looking by the frozen lasagna, which is a reasonable starting point, but it’s actually in another aisle by the tater tots. This made me realize that I would ace a quiz like this.

Tried to let one get on the escalator first and he said "No,don't worry about me,I'm in no rush. They can't go anywhere without me"

I give a lot of shit to my husband on here but I just want to be very clear that I love him dearly and he deserves every single ounce of shit thrown his way.

Not enough adults are understanding that they have to create moments of happiness in their lives. Find things to be excited about. Create plans to look forward to. Decorate the house during holidays. Make a playlist you only listen to on Tuesdays. Keep your favorite snacks

We didn’t talk enough about how unbelievably hard this photo goes

My husband invited my ex husband over to watch games with us and the kids because we have the NFL Sunday Ticket. Youtube tv really out here bringing families together.

Parent Pro Tip: If they’re old enough to critique what you put in their lunch, they’re old enough to make it themself.

I hope this email never finds you. I hope you escaped and are living your best life stress free. I hope you never look back.

The difference between a mechanic and a lawyer is that you don’t assume the mechanic will do the work for free

Special thanks to the man who is explaining to me how the ferry comes into the dock as I watch the ferry come into the dock.

If my entire night’s sleep was as good as that first 9 minutes after I hit snooze I would be a completely different person.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

I don't remember if I took my pills, but I can't check because I can't remember where I put my glasses.

Me: [eating corn on the cob] Wife [across the table]: This relationship would have gone differently if you had corn on the cob on our first date.

My husband had a civil case today and his client brought with her someone he assumed was her partner. He asked her, “Oh, is this your wife or girlfriend or…?” Reader, it was her sister.

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer. 10/10 no notes.

“Are you sure?” “I’m sure.” “You’ve tried all of them on?” “This one.”

No, I don’t want to be warm. I want to be cold and then made warm by a blanket. There is a difference.

Moved my son into his college dorm yesterday. I was all excited to get him unpacked & make a Pinterest-worthy living space. He made his bed, threw everything else in his closet & said, “Let’s go watch football.”