just submitted my packet for the democratic fundraising job

me pitching toy story: ok we’re going to put everything kids love in one movie. cowboys, astronauts, adventure, excitement, danger, laughs…

exec, leaning in: yes…

me: and wall to wall randy newman

exec:

me: the guy who did short people

yeah I like 420. maria menounos taking me on a behind the scenes look at what’s new in entertainment 4 20 minutes before the movie starts

Hello! I have a new cartoon!! When you have a case that needs to be cracked, sometimes ya gotta bring in The Big Dog…full short here: vimeo.com/936721402

my boss: what should we name our new car

me, trying to get fired: cybertruck

me: sir there should be a microwave you can put metal in

elon: working on it

me: thank you sir i want my fork to be hot

honey i noticed you were singing the reprise to your i want song. have you undergone character development?

first baby: i don’t think we’re going to do screens for the first two years

second baby: well her older brother is watching tv so she can watch some too

third baby: ok bud this is called tubi, i’ll see you this afternoon

my wife just went outside and put her head in a cardboard box. i asked if it was time for the eclipse, she said “no i thought you were getting changed”

fox exec: we need you to make the scariest song of all time

x-files composer: ok do do do do DO do

fox exec: fuck stop too scary what the fuck

jerry: her pussy’s in bio?
george: pussy in bio jerry!
jerry: you still haven’t seen the pussy!
george: she’s hiding it in the bio!

yeah i know the three body problem. every time i get into bed with my wife i’m the third body!

yeah i’ve got march madness (i am reading Little Women)

*bursting into kix headquarters*
you tested on KIDS?
*turning to the mothers with disgust*
and you APPROVED?

i'm always asking these questions

starting to realize it wasn’t “fun” or “whimsical” for me to turn every traffic light green for all of st patrick’s day

my wife drops me off at the airport and starts crying. i say 'honey, what's wrong?' she goes, 'you're not on a boeing'

if the brightest stars of the silver screen don’t come out to shine on hollywood’s biggest night i’m going to kill myself

*neil degrasse tyson watching porn* no pizza delivery man would accept alternate compensation that would keep him from obtaining further tips