Love how you open a book and it makes you say its name 3x like beetlejuice

Toddler hit me because I said he couldn’t have candy so I told him to apologize and he told me to apologize to myself and honestly touche my guy

I know everyone thinks screen time is pure evil but sometimes you just need a cartoon tiger to explain to your 3 year old that you will be home after work

Warmed up my toddler’s blanket in the dryer as a little treat and inadvertently created a monster who now demands an elevated blanket experience

2yo: “who’s your best friend daddy?”
Me: [waiting to answer this question for 2.5 years and about to burst into tears] “You buddy. My best friend is Crew.”
2yo: *crickets*
Me: “… who’s your best friend?”
2yo: “mommy.”

Maybe the reason Suits is vaporizing every streaming record is because people like knowing that there are like 8 seasons of ahead of them and not a handful of episodes with a truncated 3rd season and an ultra ambiguous ending because a studio wanted a tax break but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having a toddler is at one moment listening to a child say the most wonderful, endearing thing and the next cold cocking you with a bluey water bottle

Conversation with 2yo this morning:

2yo: Junie (his sister) a baby!
Me: Yes and what is Crew?
2yo: a big boy!
Me: Yes and what is daddy?
2yo: [rubs my arm in an extremely reassuring manner] “daddy a biggg boy.”

An earthquake during a hurricane who is directing this Michael Bay

Hurricane Hilary but once it hits LA it’s Hilaria

There is an instagram account called “negroni lifestyle” that is just old Italian dudes drinking negronis in boats in the middle of the afternoon and I’ve never identified with something more

Hello I am a rich person in an 80s movie for breakfast I will be having a single hard boiled egg in a fancy little cup

One thing they don’t tell you about having kids is that your odds of dying by slipping on a harmonica are drastically higher

I am dead last to this but The Bear is so good it makes me want to quit writing professionally and become a gym teacher

JARBOWLS. A bowl-shaped jar of salsa that is wide enough to accommodate a tortilla chip scoop to the bottom. Not to be confused with GERBILS

Interesting tactic trying to break the resolve of the most perpetually unemployed people on earth lmao

LA’s hottest club is the Encino California Chicken Cafe curbside pickup line at 6:15pm

Fast and the Furious is Northface, Mission Impossible is Patagonia I can’t explain it but it just makes sense

No spoilers but I was slipped an advanced copy of the succession finale and let’s just say that Palpatine has one final trick up his sleeve

The majority of looking for a new place to live in LA is talking yourself into the weirdest house you’ve ever seen in your life