My H.S guidance counsellor: I think you would do well as an international jewel thief and playboy, you have a certain oily charisma

me: Bev it sounds like me and you are right on the same page

Elmo's eye placement on the very top of his head suggest he is some sort of ambush predator like a crocodile

if an artist's work declines in quality then the government should fine them for wasting our time

one of the best parts of going on a trip is coming home

What do you call a ninja when they come out of the closet

'Where are we going this weekend?'

Garlic salt on popcorn. Hard drug Friday

An olive branch? Fuck you. I fucking hate olives. This means war

the gayest guy youve met in your life will look you dead in the eyes and tell you 'my girlfriend bought me these pants'

white boy says perfect grace before supper, stuns gramma

Im gonna fight em all, a seven chungus army couldn’t hold me back

TLC voice

I don’t want no bugs, a bug is a guy who looks like a centipede

Dude can I cater to your every whim?

im struggling, not mentally, im caught in some kind of snare

Chud I will mog you