Jim Jordan: 'Funny story, I was this far up Donald Trump's ass, thinking I'd go all the way, when guess who I run into? Nikki Haley.'

'What happened to her husband? What happened to her husband? Where is he? He's gone. He knew. He knew.' – Donald Trump, mocking Nikki Haley's deployed husband

'I will be voting for Trump.' – Nikki Haley, doing her best Ted Cruz

If men could get pregnant, the abortion pill would be available in ranch, bar-b-que, and xtreme nacho.

Tucker Carlson is what happens when a flaming bag of shit is left on someone's porch and instead of stamping it out they put it on Russian television.

SHOWN: A unified Reich.

The same guy who said he'd walk into a school with an active shooter is afraid to answer questions in front of an active jury.

BREAKING: Chickenshit dicksnag too much of a spineless assworm to testify in his own fucking defense.

LIFE HACK: If you don't want to be called a war criminal, don't do war crimes.

FUN FACT: If Scott Baio, James Woods, Roseanne Barr, Ted Nugent, Kid Rock, Ricky Schroder, Kristy Swanson, Jon Voight, Caitlyn Jenner, Kevin Sorbo, Tim Allen, Stacey Dash, Randy Quaid, Dean Cain, and Rob Schneider are too busy to come to your trial, there's always Joe Piscopo.

Calling Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker a closeted gay man is an insult to gay men and closets.

PHOTO: Kyle Rittenhouse discovers colleges aren't interested in semiliterate murderers.

Donald Trump scored a 100% on his dementia test because he is 100% demented.

In the future, the children of Trump supporters will tear pictures out of photo albums so their kids won't see Grandma and Grandpa in MAGA hats.

If Barron Trump wanted to rebel against his father all he would have to do is be a decent human being.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick. Lauren Boebert speaks loudly and is as dumb as a stick.

BREAKING: Hat devours woman's head while husband farts.

If politicians were Transformers, Marjorie Taylor Greene would be a manure spreader.

CONGRATULATIONS, BARRON.

Cognitive dissonance is the psychological stress caused by simultaneous consideration of two opposite or contradictory ideas, such as when Donald Trump is called a 'Christian' or Fox News personalities are called 'journalists.'

MAGA Republicans vote for vermin like Matt Gaetz and Lauren Boebert because they don't care if their representatives make their lives better as long as they make others' lives worse.