The best way to win an online argument is to say something so confusing that it baits them into asking what you mean. Then just never reply. Keep em up at night.

My swipe card still works! See you tonight ❤️

Sending invoices is so embarrassing. They’re like “Oh you want your money? Beg.”

My followers asking me “when are you coming to do a show in nz” like I haven’t been posting about my nz comedy festival run every 5 minutes

My favourite thing is seeing people be like “this has GOT to be parody” on something that is yes, very clearly parody.

So is she gonna be 'Zendaya Holland' or is he going to become 'Tom'

There is a dog that is frequently tied up at the shops near me that I have nicknamed “jumpscare dog”. The chillest guy ever until you get within 1 meter as you pass. Gets me every time. It’s like watching that video of the car going down the hill. I KNOW WHAT’S COMING.

I sent a very mature but stern message to a man who wronged me and he told me to be more “gentle” I am DONE. Sorry I should’ve written it on a cloud and delivered it with a kiss. I should’ve paid for someone to deliver it via cameo. A little gentle delicate woman. A tiny baby.

Just vented to a friend on Facebook for 30 minutes before realising it was his birthday. Truly mortifying.

I just completed a task despite having a very runny nose and a sore head. I am brave I am beautiful I am smart.

you wouldn’t last an hour in the asylum where they raised me

COUNTING DOWN