My wife on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a short trial, I was found not guilty.

I won’t be able to respond back this morning. Getting ready to go to a minor surgery. Wishing you all a safe and fantastic day

MY sister with multiple myeloma is not going to make it. Her cancer returned with a vengeance! The family has gathered. This is it. I feel numb.

Today is 2 years I stopped, not quit smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol.

I am going to celebrate by drinking some Scotch and a carton of cigarettes.

My wife went to her sister’s house to watch 50 Shades of Grey so I went to sleep early. She came home and walked into the bedroom. She had a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. I thought,this looks interesting.

She replied, “Here, you forgot to walk the…

If April showers bring May flowers. what does May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

My wife went to see a psychiatrist before we got married. She asked him, “I don’t want to marry. I am self sufficient and independent but my parents want me to marry. What shall I do.” He said, “No doubt you will achieve great things in life but sometimes things don’t go your…

Happy Spy & Steal Monday!

This FISA & Taxes Day, it’s clear that our privacy & paychecks belong to the government.

Here’s to a day of celebration for our unsung contributions to spying and spending!

Here’s to less money & more ‘security’! Because who said freedom was free?…

Happy tax day. Remember we have to support Ukraine and help them with their pensions. Illegals are needing our help as well.

It is up to us taxpayers to help them. They make the best bread, baked daily at a Nike store.

My wife once gave me the silent treatment for an entire week.

At the end I said, “Hey, we’re getting along great lately.”

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine, he gets better with age.

The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

My wife handed me a cup of coffee with a big smile on her face. I remember last week that she took out a life insurance policy on me at her job.

I’ve never been more scared of a drink in my whole life.

Good morning all you freedom loving patriots.

Bella, Rhea, and I wish you all an awesome day and weekend.

Bella is showing off from coming back from the groomers. What a drama queen.

My wife says she is leaving me of my addiction to antidepressants. So I thought about it and realized,

That’s great, then I won’t need them anymore.

My wife went to a doctor’s appointment yesterday. She asked, “Doctor, I’m worried about my husband. Lately, he started talking in his sleep. What should I do?”

The doctor replied, “Give him the chance to talk when he’s awake.”

A policeman knocked on my door yesterday. He said, “I’m very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife got hit by a bus.”

I replied, “I’m aware of that, but Karen has a wonderful personality.”

My wife and I went to a marriage counselor. She told us that we should share our secrets with each other. I’m never going to that counselor again.

I almost told my wife where I hid my stash of cash.

My wife called me at work yesterday. She asked, “Do you get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you and sticking it with pins?” Sounding concerned, I said, “No”

She replied, “How about now?”

I thought Georgia was feeling the earthquake from New York.

It was just Stacey Abrams going outside to check her mailbox.

My wife was filling out a credit card application. One of the questions asked, “What is your primary source of income?

She wrote, “My husband’s ATM card.”

In grammar, capitalization is key. It’s the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.