My son: Some of the boys in my class said that boys are the best and the girls said that girls are the best. Me: How did you feel about that? My son: I didn’t like it. Me: *beams with maternal pride* Why not? My son: Because I think I’m the best.

Absolutely nobody: Sci-fi costume designers: The look of the future is 10% military, 10% poverty chic, 10% fetish gear, and 70% Dorothy Zbornak from The Golden Girls.

Some people have already started listening to Christmas music when it’s not even Thanksgiving and all I can say is… I’m so happy they are doing something that makes them happy. Life’s short. Drink your joy eggnog at every opportunity.

Son just scream whispered at me to wake up to tell me: 1. Mom, it’s day outside. 2. But you can sleep in until you’re not tired anymore. 3. But it is day outside, but you can sleep in until you’re no longer tired. Then, he ran out of the room just loud enough to wake Baby.

Sound designer: Adding a baby crying so that the audience knows something bad happened. Average person watching: Something bad happened. Toddler parent watching: Sounds like that mom gave her toddler milk in the wrong color sippy cup.

Me: Sorry, bud, the grape video is unavailable right now. I will see if I can get it for you tomorrow. My son, newly 6: That’s just beastly news, Mama. And on my birthday. We literally watched 1 episode of Downton Abbey. One.

One of my children turned my Waterpik to the highest pressure. I didn’t notice it and now my tonsil is bleeding and I have a mouthful of blood. Occasionally, I cough blood into a tissue like it’s my character’s last chapter in a Regency novel. Children are gremlins.

Ad: Your toddler would look adorable in this bikini. The makers of this bikini have clearly never tried to put sunscreen on a toddler.

Me: You can’t have Easter candy until after you’ve respectfully eaten your dinner. My son, while eating a Crunchberry bar that is literally just melted marshmallows and Oops All Berries cereal: BUT I WANTED A SWEET SNACK!!!!!!!

Daughter just made angry beep beep sounds while making honking on the steering wheel hand gestures at dinner. “Does Daddy honk the horn a lot in the car?” Daughter nodded enthusiastically. I have no idea how she knows driving gestures. #tattletale

Parenthood is your child shivering at the bus stop because he lost the jacket he likes and refuses to wear the jean jacket he saw in a catalog and asked you to buy.

Planning this year’s July 4 celebration feels like planning your grandparents’ 50th anniversary dinner after seeing GamGam’s changed her relationship status to “it’s complicated”.

As I waited almost thirty minutes past my scheduled PCR time at the CVS drive-thru, I was relieved that I didn’t have diarrhea as a symptom.

Tony Stark learning to be selfless and dying to save everyone is great and all, but Steve Rogers learning that he doesn’t owe his job or country anything else and going to Peggy in Endgame is the message that young people need right now.

Ads: Better get those babies some fall clothes. Me: The girl skipped a size last growth spurt and the boy regularly hates whatever thing he loved yesterday. Calm down, Children’s Place. We aren’t ready for your pumpkin pajamas. #parenting

When Daniel Tiger comes on… Baby Girl, overjoyed: “TIGERHOOD!!!” TV: “It’s Daniel Tiger’s neighborhood-“ Baby Girl, firmly correcting: “Elena neighborhood, TOOOOOOOO!” Y’all, this child does not have time for the patriarchy.

Some children go to sleep with soft lullabies. My 2yo insists I put on a Broadway caliber performance of Disney hits. She calls every song The Moana Song even when she means Frozen. Every time, she passes out during the loudest parts of Let it Go. Disney's Frozen #parenting

It’s not lost on me that the first thing I made was fancy shells and cheese… @philips instagram.com/p/Ci2zXq5OfJs/…

Garlic Caper Chicken over homemade linguine in under an hour. @philips #traderjoesgarlicspread instagram.com/p/CjJbEmnuMsE/…

Elder child wants to be a 🦇 for Halloween. Sweet, my spooky little boy. This morning, I asked him what kind of bat he wants to be and he said, “I’d like to be a bat that is also a pollinator. Maybe I could have some flowers.” This kid is 100% his own person and I ❤️ it.