I invited my friend to a blues concert and he was like 'Yea! I'd love to go, that sounds super fun!' so I said, 'on second thought, it doesn't sound like you'd get it.'

Gonna stare at the sun for awhile before the eclipse just to get warmed up.

'I've decided to take this in an entirely different direction.'
~me talking to gps~

'Been eating a lot of beans lately' he farted.

'Just go with me for a second...'
~a comedian or a kidnapper~

So many brockets already braken.

I love when people say 'I don't give two shits', yea you do, or you wouldn't be trying to one-up people with the amount of shits you don't give.

I turned my clock too far ahead you guys, and now I can't get back to 2024.

After best picture there's gonna be an open mic, so get yer name in that bucket.

Guy after show: 'So you perform anywhere else?'
Me: 'No, your company's Christmas party was my first time.'

I don't accept coincidences, I only take cashcidences.

That last car payment hit different, especially when it's not two years after you don't have the car anymore.

X should try surge pricing for when Meta apps go down.

If you're willing to follow me here, maybe you're willing to go follow me on tiktok. tiktok.com/@gregularcomed…

I love when people say, 'I gotta get out of my comfort zone'.
I'm like damn, you have a whole zone where you feel comfortable?!

You want a really hot take on Saturday Night Live?! Well, 60 of it's 90 minutes actually take place on Sunday.

I love doing writing exercises, today I did 3 sets of 50 pencil twirls and threw my computer like a shotput.

Ballpark hot dogs, we're close to being hot dogs, we're in the ballpark.

I've never been much of a sneakerhead, I'm more of a hatfoot.

Whenever I use a self checkout Im always like damn this place hires the worst people.