This is why you lost the kids in the divorce.

this was written with MadLibs and you will not convince me otherwise

a lot of us have said RFK Jr has brain worms — just didn’t expect him to agree with us (gift link: nytimes.com/2024/05/08/us/…)

to the surprise of literally no one

spare a thought for those of us on the west coast who just woke up and are seeing this completely uncaffeinated

My son hadn’t had a proper graduation since middle school. Here’s my commencement address at Michigan, written for him & Class of 2024.

Please share it — we all need more empathy.

“If you really want to shock the world, unleash your kindness.”

youtube.com/watch?v=D1c_UC…

Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes bit.ly/3QOTxZd

in response Christ got a lawyer and filed a restraining order

was walking the dogs and saw a car with a woman and a screaming toddler and suddenly a guy ran out from the corner store yelling I GOT EM I GOT EM while holding a bag of goldfish crackers over his head and I got the hell outta the way because I know an emergency when I see one

Justice for Silvio

jesus joseph and saint francis of assisi when we said they kill puppies it was supposed to be wildly over-the-top hyperbole for evil not an item on their fucking to-do list

this is not a joke, I repeat THIS IS NOT A JOKE — but holy hell what incredible news 🎉

The same guy who thinks the presidency gives him immunity from criminal prosecution also argued that being a private citizen meant he couldn’t be impeached. No accountability, ever, under any circumstances.

Are all 81 states in the room with you right now?

“no see people WANT to be here, they just can’t be. you wouldn’t believe how many. no former president on trial has ever had so many imaginary protestors. most in history.”

some of the migrants DeSantis and his toadies sent to Martha’s Vineyard are now able to work and protected from deportation because they're 'considered victims of a potential crime' and if you need me I'll just be lol'ing forever orlandosentinel.com/2024/04/22/mig…

oh my god ahaha OH MY GOD

The lesson we should hope that people learn from Speaker Mike Johnson’s journey here is that, at the end of the day, in politics as in life, the right thing to do is … the right thing to do.