Y'all ever noticed the elders gave the generations after them the names X, Y, and Z like it was a countdown to doomsday or something lol *looks around at everything* oh

Last year, James Fell shared this tweet and we joked about signing each others books. Now, it is common for folks to bring copies of his books to my signings and vise versa. So this Stephen King legend may just be a myth, but it has started a very fun tradition.

Them: you can’t keep bringing up old arguments all the time. That’s petty!

Me:

Bible Thumper: you’re going to Hell!

Me: good! Because this heat is killing me and I could use somewhere a bit cooler.

Today is the feast day of Mary Magdalene and so I would like to take this moment to remind y’all that she was not a prostitute. That was a lie perpetuated by the Catholic Church. She was an independently wealthy woman who funded Jesus’ entire ministry. She was his sugar mama.

Fans while I’m promoting my tour: okay! We get it, you’re going on tour, shut up already. Post memes or something, daddy.

Fans after my tour is over: wait! I never even saw a single post, not even once, about you going on tour!

The Al Gore Rhythm: teehee

Random commenter online: wow, you really are a sh+t show on the internet.

Me: *leaning into the microphone* I’m heading out on tour in a week so you should come see me be a sh+t show off of the internet.

My marketing team: 🤦‍♀️

So after getting all hopped up on Samuel Adams lager, shooting off some rockets, and then sending a breakup text to Georgie, do you think the Founding Daddies woke up on the 5th and were like, “whoopsie poopsie!”

I was absolutely terrified about announcing my tour. My self doubt and imposter syndrome were running on overdrive. However, as of a few moments ago. I just sold out my first show. So thank you Raleigh for all of the love! I’m so excited to see everyone soon!

Them: when has JK Rowling ever invalidated the trans community

JK Rowling:

'Cis' is ideological language, signifying belief in the unfalsifiable concept of gender identity. You have a perfect right to believe in unprovable essences that may or may not match the sexed body, but the rest of us have a right to disagree, and to refuse to adopt your jargon.

Sure wish y’all had gotten this worked up when someone else couldn’t breath.

Friend: explain what you mean by post capitalist hellscape

Me:

You ever wonder how high of an ABV Jesus was?

This pride month I hope you have as much sex as the conservatives think you are having.

Happy Pride to all of the historical roommates, best friends, and Roman competitive wrestlers.

Whenever Trump supporters jump to his defense with, “Yeah, well, Biden and Hillary have done bad things too!”

Me:

Someone come get your uncle

Friend: did you hear that scientists found a crocodile who had a virgin birth?

*my brain immediately*

I hope the first person Pat Robertson sees in Heaven is Marsha P. Johnson putting up the Pride decorations on the Pearly Gates.