doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more. chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS

Happy Canada day one time when I was a kid a man accidentally burnt me with his cigarette and I said sorry to him

follow the Friends > Big Bang Theory > Ted Lasso pipeline

most people when offered an alcoholic beverage they don’t want: no thank you. millennials when offered an alcoholic beverage they don’t want: IM SOBER

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” - me, clocking out of work at noon

people who sleep on memory foam (yes even “cooling” memory foam) without feeling like your skin is cooking on a hot griddle having to flip all night just to stay medium-rare… how ???

We lived off neon-colored processed snacks and long-extinct carbonated beverages. Nothing was ever peaceful or homemade, babes.

obsessively checking this user for updates

That would be Threads, always Threads

hugh grant simply MUST stop taking all these sexy love interest roles

“Why do you want to see a movie about a terrible person like Oppenheimer who caused so much death?” idk man, the same reason I watch horror movies, because I’m a total piece of shit I guess

evil

I asked my job for a raise by doing what every article told me to do and sent over data about what my role in my location is currently getting paid + the value I provide and my HR team literally responded “go work somewhere else then good luck” lmfaooo

THE PICTURE😭😭😭

Me on the way to get a lil fall morning treat (will spend $87)

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”

Kevin James reading this tweet: