Imagining a modern day pirate avoiding scurvy cause he takes gummy vitamin c supplements

Thrift stores have gone too far

there are like 14 cities in the same area code as Albany that are decidedly worse

How it feels to go to the gym when u really don’t feel like it

I said the same thing and now we’re getting married in 3 months tread carefully 🧍🏻‍♀️

Waiting for ur food to be delivered when you selected “cash tip” on the app and it says they’re on ur road

fatshaming is Always wrong. unless its for a fat fucking tubby bastard cat big belly full of mulch bmi 10000 broke the scale earthquake whenever it walks

I don’t care about “stolen content” anymore because I’m 28 but seeing my tweet as a screenshot of a tiktok makes me wanna go off the grid and yet at the same time makes me feel so connected like what else have I said that people are repeating years later

I wonder how many other people at the vaccines/kooks concert just got the same text from doc martens as me

I toured a 350 sq foot apartment in Austin that did not have an oven and cost $1000/month this is a stupid question

A gay guy who's whole job is instigating drama between rich glamorous women did cocaine???

Happy to announce I’ve decided to turn my life around and will be changing all of my day to day habits this week. It will work and I will not fail, it is easy to do this kind of thing

Sydney’s beef w Maria #thebachelor

Hydro flask. Stanley cup. Yeti. How about just refilling a Smartwater bottle you got at the airport for 7 months

Something is so embarrassing about being 28 and you’re waiting for a drink at the bar and everyone can see the bedtime reminder on ur Apple Watch u wear to monitor ur heart rate for ur anxiety

Apple Music users you can listen here: music.apple.com/us/album/wallo…

Spotify users, you are very special to me and this is now available on Spotify: open.spotify.com/track/796ExLyg…

Please consider giving it a listen as I am very proud of it. Apple Music listeners something is wrong with u but it should be available there soon

And people will ask it about a hamburger. I’m bringing u a beer

link: distrokid.com/hyperfollow/ch…

I am releasing a new song very soon and you can presave it in the next tweet. a goal of mine for like six years has been to make new music and I finally realized it’s not that hard to just do it. hopefully more to come in 2024 🙂