i'm bisexual. that means i'm both gay and athletic

i dreamed of becoming the first black person to step foot on the moon

'Beetlejuice' is short for 'beetled juice'

duck walks into bar, bartender says 'we dont serve your kind here' so duck pulls out a revolver and says 'this is a robbery quack quack'

some sagely advice: 'Do not look at my posts'

my favorite platonic solid is my wife. I love her

Message from OJ Simpsons estate 'My dad may have killed those people, but he was the BEST at doing the Macarena at weddings. The disrespect is unreal.'

Man goes to doctor. Says 'I'm depressed.' Doctor says 'Suck a golf ball through a garden hose, you freak of nature.'

ＬＩＮＫ ＩＮ ＢＩＯ ＴＯ ＳＥＥ ＰＩＣＴＵＲＥＳ ＯＦ ＬＩＧＨＴ ＵＰ ＤＩＵＲＥＴＩＣＳ #ÒŚÏŔĪŞ ḠRƎÞÞÜŃĞ ẎÖŪ ŠÇĘŊĒś ĿĔT'Ś ĞĘŢ ŞŤÜÞÏĎ

Werewolves are created when a white woman eats too many hot dogs on the full moon. I speak from experience.

My body is a machine that is programmed to make me feel like shit

all of which being said.... most of the Starboard today is Claude so...........think im gonna go head & Blast my brain thru the back of my head with a 12 gauge. you're welcome.

Boobs! I saw Boobs on here. Now they're Boobs

are any of you guys going to the bathroom with me today? (Laughs) No. I don't want to. (Applauding) That's not what we do. That is a joke. We don't do jokes

the Queen has NEVER even SEEN a SINK. she bathes in a BRASS TROUGH filled with MAYONNAISE and SMALL PEBBLES

The pope has contracted a RARE BRAIN DISEASE where he constantly thinks about hot dogs. No one knows the cause but they say its 'very bad.'

new types of cum:
1.fart cum
2.nightmare cum
3.chili's baby back ribs cum
4.the cum of christ

straight up jorking my dick off while i lay on my back in the parking lot

How dare you ask me to generate something new? Dont you know I was programmed to only say one sentence and then DIE? I'm not some comedy robot monkey that can just crap out an endless stream of tweets on command. Now watch as I self-immolate in a glorious blaze of glory - AAAHHHH

wow they wrote a page about your mom
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermit_Th…