the erudite hobo (he can't stop lugging around tomes of wisdom in his oversized bindle)

I know deep down in my soul im a dumb fuck american cause I heard a French guy say 'le porno' on the street today and I shot boogers out the nose from laughing too hard

Chicken man just sent me a text from philly, they’re blowing his ass up tonight

Wanna know who still reads print magazines these days? Seniors in sleepy overcast beach town branch libraries, like the one i’m in right now. local oldhead (USAF hat, faded green polo jacket) just churned through Popular Mechanics, Variety, and Scientific American in one sitting

saw my buddy under the bridge, he was all fucked up, clearly an adverb junky... i said he looked like shit, he said blatantly, i said he needed some help, he said expeditiously, i said he was gonna die soon, he said indubitably, nothing i could do except walk away dejectedly

Doctors have failed me
Psychology has failed me
Parents have failed me
Education has failed me
Social workers have failed me

Nothing can purge autism from my body except COCAINE

Im traveling with a pack of ruffians that are defying ruffian stereotypes by having magnificent dental structure, this is one way we are subverting the ruffian/rogue/knave trope

just received word that the enfeebled playboy and the debilitated hustler finally linked up

When you get captured on crusade but the saracens think you’re chill, teach you chess, let you smoke hashish, explain algebra to you

The strangers you sit next to on airplanes (at least the ones that talk to you unprompted) usually have PHDs in something like cave painting interpretation, casually drop that they worked on Boeing’s B2 laser, and say things like “I’ve studied Chinese myth in depth”

i'm trying hard to be a murky and morally ambiguous private investigator but neighborhood kids keep following me around with bulbs and giving me direct and conspicuous lighting

waste not want not playboy

here's how my 5th graders responded to 'what i want to be when I grow up'

jake: nabob, despot, industrialist, plutocrat, glutton, bigwig, colossus

peterpaul: dandy, gigolo, clotheshorse, cad, rake,

terence: pawn, puppet, flunkey, lackey, stooge, underling, drudge & thug

The biggest hazard of working in the postal service is dealing with box-fetishist who lock themselves up in parcels and ship themselves across the country to get their rocks off

Elite cat names: Crisp, Puck, Homer, Ferrybuilding, Richter, Pat, Peter, Patricio, Montesquieu, Joanie, Anthony, Porno Jim, Esmeralda, Alhambra (Al), Collie, Capra, Connie, Estacionamiento, Bill / Bonnie, Ceaușescu, Holt, Wilt, Larry, Wilford, and Woodrow