Once you start paying your girlfriend like this, just cut your testicles off and donate them to science for study. They are useless attached to your body

After another weekend of fornication and drinking you have decided to go to church to pray for forgiveness… again. Because you think God is blind and stupid? Okay carry on. See you next weekend

Dear ladies,
If I followed you because you were posting your bums, you can’t change your mind later and start dropping bible verses and political opinions. Your thoughts are not as interesting as your buttocks.

Women will give you multiple babies hoping they will change you. I’m a selfish, inconsiderate, asshole addicted to cheating. Offspring will not get in the way of my orgasms

Women see the signs but choose to ignore them. “I can’t believe he cheated on me”
That animal switched from Man Utd to City like it was nothing. Who d’you think you are?

You pull out because you’re a coward
Real men go in and stay in. It is your job as a man to impregnate and fill the earth. You don’t have to take care of the baby though - let another simp do that. Just block and continue to populate this planet.

Make no mistake, Manchester United is still about as useful as a phone with no data. A bloody holiday on Saturday. A woman with small bums. A car with no steering wheel. A condom for masturbation. Useless

Coventry??
Have you ever ejaculated and then 3 seconds later the sperm jumped back into your penis and back down to your testicles? That’s what you’re witnessing right now. Madness

Sun is yellow.
Bums over breasts.
1 + 4 = 5.
Premature ejaculation is a blessing.
Rashford is finished.

I can’t wait to get to heaven. No condoms no STD’s no pregnancy. You just go in raw and cum out clean. Protected by the blood of the lamb.

Celibacy isn't an achievement if you're ugly. That's just your life.

Getting married to a woman before you’ve met all her friends is insanity
Imagine finding out on your wedding day that one of her friends has bigger bums? Jesus

You can’t be a successful man and also great in bed. You have to pick one. Jeff Bezos, Me, Putin, Vini Jr we’re all useless when it comes to sex. It’s in the bible

Women are unreasonable. You can’t complain that I ejaculated in just 47 seconds.
If you remove meat from the fridge 8 hrs before you cook it, it’ll be ready faster. My penis has been defrosting since I first laid eyes on you. I stood no chance

Even if I despise you, you’re getting 2 minutes from me. Nothing more, sometimes less.

Yes polygamy is definitely the answer. Go for it
But please in the name of Lazarus, don’t marry 3 wives if you’re a bachelor who eats bread and tinned fish for supper. If you can barely support yourself, just masturbate and leave people’s daughters alone.

The fastest way to a woman’s heart is through lies. Tell her what she wants to hear never the truth. She’s not fat, she can sing, she has beautiful eyes. Lie.
Only after she’s fallen inlove should you tell her you hate the shape of her head and her food tastes like medicine

Sex without a condom is heaven on earth
Arsenal and Liverpool losing on the same day? That’s sex in heaven without a condom

Top 3 professions that easily get you pu**y:

3. Musicians
2. Politicians
1. Pastors

I need to date a church girl again. You’re always guaranteed freaky sex. They will fvck the demon outta you then wake up at 3am to pray