Make her feel special by telling her she's your favorite hoe

My titties are amazing, they hang down to my thighs and my nipples look like the cook at IHOP stepped on them, please no DMs requesting pics

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor's house that no one likes.

These college protesters are totally out of control, if they feel so strongly about the country they’re supporting, they should just go there and help provide humanitarian aid

Some of y’all are way too angry, try taking some of that anger or “passion” and go make a difference somewhere instead of sitting on social media trying to make other people, that you come into contact with, as miserable as you.

I just walked out of a Wanda Sykes comedy show, I paid to see a comedian that I really like, not a political campaign

I think my guardian angel slipped and fell on a dildo.

If you aren’t sitting on pervert row at the strip clubs and sniffing that camel toe, are you really even partying?

I sing, welcome to the jungle each time I open this app.

If you’re incapable of having a disagreement without resorting to personal insults, then guess what? You just officially lost said disagreement.

I’ll jump off that bridge when we get there.

Welcome to your 50s, now your friend who has the “good drugs” is packin’ ibuprofen and a sensible source of fiber.

What does it mean when holy water sizzles when it hits your skin . . . just asking for a friend.

The deepest conversations I've had in life have been with myself.

I post on social media because one day it’ll prove to a jury how crazy I am.

Ask your doctor if socializing and human interaction is right for you.

'What the fuck is wrong with people?' is a thought I shouldn't have to have as often as I do.

I've been a grumpy old man since the 80s

I'd never announce that I'm leaving this hole. I'd just shut up and leave people wondering.

Last night I had a dream that the doctor told me I was too thin and needed to gain some weight, I was really pissed when I woke up