Wayne The Traffic noise Marshal🦺 🚕🚗🚙🏍️🚴‍♀️🚕 You are on page one of Google when you search 'Killer death emergency'. Thank God people are waking up and taking you seriously.

Unfortunately i will not be tackling this killer death emergency as i just dont have the time, im not scared or anything, its purely a schedule clash thing. Traffic noise is more dangerous. Besides with any luck they might find a dinghy or two to feast on, i say get more sharks🦈

Right, whats up today then Wayngels?’do we have a new one or are we sticking to death by traffic noise for today? I do quite like death by traffic noise i must admit, not as good as death by gap in the blinds, but better than death by salad dressing and car headlights. 🦺😊

I was going through my old scrap-book of my covid highlights and this one brought a big smile to my face. In 2021 i caught this women red-handed attempting to buy coffee without a mask 2 miles from her house! I’ll never forget her scream as i body-slammed her on the concrete😊🦺

WTCM irrefutably true fact of the day no 67 🦺-

Car radios were initially installed to help the driver stay alive by drowning out the sound of deadly traffic by playing loud music over it. Before this no-one reached their destination alive, hence the phrase-dead on arrival.

How many coroners will be putting “traffic noise” as cause of death on death certificates this week?

🚴‍♀️🚕🚗🚕🚙🏍️🚗🚙🚴‍♀️🚕🚙🚕🚗🚕🚴‍♀️🚙🏍️🚙🚗🚴‍♀️🚕

Oh no! I cant believe it, Gus at No9 has just been found dead on his sofa, i only saw him on Friday to give him his 16th booster! But as he’s on the ground floor i suppose hes closer to the traffic so it must’ve been the sound of people parking their cars that finished him off!😩

And there i was over the weekend thinking maybe the madness is starting to ease up, maybe it was time to get back down the job centre and see if there were any openings for a man of my particular skills, maybe the SAS were looking for someone to train their elite soldiers.🦺🤷🏽

I hope you all enjoyed a death free wkend, well its back to work and back to dying im afraid. Todays death is bought to you courtesy of “traffic noise” stop sniggering at the back. Its Ron at 63’s moped thats giving me diabetes, not the 13 wagon-wheels a day, its official. 🦺🤡

Now it looks like we’re going to freeze, burn, then drown. Im so glad i took those online swimming lessons, i’m also going to watch Aqua man again for research purposes. I was starting to think we were going to go a whole day without a new killer death emergency! 🦺

Someone managed to snag a pic of me rushing to raid Brian at 70 who im told has some illicit Turkish delights stashed under his floor boards. He has a history of flouting regulations after doing 2 years for flouting the floor sticker mandate of 2020. 🦺

Wayne The Chocolate virus Marshal🦺🍫 Fray Bentos pies will be the new Bitcoin

In 2 years time real money will replaced with chocolate bars, heres a handy guide to the denominations-

Wagon-wheel (jammie) £50
Twix - £20
Wagon wheel (original)- £10
Mars - £5
Wispa - £1

Loose chocolate will be used as change -

1 Cadburys button - £1
1 malteaser - 50p

Early start for me today, with chocolate on the line theres no time to lose. Today ill be jabbing pensioners and small children with a Nutella based MRNA (Mums Reserve Nutella Allocation) before i go to Tesco to stop shoppers killing each other over the last of the Mars bars🍫🦺

I’d guess it’ll get warmer as we head in to the summer, im no meteorologist or anything but i’ll stick my neck on the block on this one. What is going on? Are we living in a sim thats broken down or something? Is this real life? When did the media become an absolute joke?🤡🤦🏻

Well im not going back to Asda, ive just sat down! I knew i should’ve got some Fanta and crisps while i was there! Can we go back to bird flu for a while? At least with that i dont have to carry heavy bags of deadly killer shopping!🍫🦺😩

Wayne The Chocolate virus Marshal🦺🍫 OMG 😱 This is serious . Save us Saint Wayne. Patron Saint of the Cocoa Bean. 🙏🙏🙏

Please do not buy Creme eggs on the black market. & prepare for scalpers selling curly-wurlys on eBay for 10 times the original cost, Geoff at 65 bought one and what arrived was a cheap Chinese knock-off that tasted like dark chocolate from the depths of bigfoots arse crack. 🦺🍫

Wow! Its surprising calm at Asda, im guessing the word around the chocolate virus hasn’t got out yet. I will play it cool and slowly fill a trolley up with all the wagon-wheels and a few dairy-milks for mum, if i go over budget i will use my CM powers and confiscate the rest.🍫🦺

Ive emptied me and mums bank account of all our savings, & am in a taxi on my way to Asda, im paying the driver double to ignore traffic lights and pedestrians to beat the rush of other people panic buying wagon-wheels,how many will i get for 251.32? I hope there are some left!😩