I say ‘swerve it Keith’ at least once a day

Drop this in a club and it would go OFF 🔥

fair comment

April the 30th be with you 😎

Roses are red,
Cadbury’s flake,

the wedding i went to last night had an open bar with free cigs 🥰

thank you for all you are doing for mental health Russ Cook 💙

April the 29th be with you 😎

I don’t actually eat dinner, I have what I like to call a “night lunch”

Gary Neville definitely keeps an eye on the plates being brought out of the kitchen in a restaurant so he can say 'this is ours, I think'

Them: You better not be watching Jasper Carrott performing a cover of ‘Caroline’ by Status Quo with Bev Bevan on drums and Tony Iommi on guitar that also segues into ‘White Christmas’ for some reason when I get there

My goofy ass:

Thanks Microsoft - maybe one day you’ll consider minding your own fucking business

When snipers have to shit and piss themselves as they stay in the same spot for hours. I do that when I'm having a Doc Martin marathon

I didn’t say a word

He’s playing every member of the Hussein family like Nutty Professor 2 - The Klumps

April the 28th be with you 😎

Hiya mate, whats your name. Lovely to meet ye mate, what do you do mate.. You not gonna tell me, what ye sell weed or suttin? Hahahah you do don’t ye, this ye mrs yeah, gonna go back to ye room do some shaggin an tha, Yeeesss.

Just sat on my phone and unlocked it with face recognition 👍