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I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said “Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim”

Kids are wild because they openly mock our generation while brazenly stealing every single trend from our youth

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password. We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

This morning my son asked me to turn on the lights and his sister said why don’t you do it yourself so I think she’s ready for marriage now.

My husband asked if the new plant was called a BROmeliad because it lifts, and then his dad card automatically renewed for another year

“I have a date with destiny” Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week huffpost.com/entry/funniest…

I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda

The only Super Bowl I’m familiar with is the haircut my mom used to give me

I get scared when someone else walks into the room a lot for someone who lives with other people

My kid hasn’t finished cleaning her room but she did spend three hours constructing elaborately personalized Valentine’s for her five closest friends.

Wanted to see my 10yo so I reset the internet router to bring her out of her lair.

Being an adult and able to do whatever I want is too much responsibility for me

Next time you doubt your parenting, remember that even Mary Poppins needed a leash to keep the children in line

My wife said she was going to run some errands and asked if I needed anything so I told her to pick up a Valentine’s Day card for herself from me. I just love our open communication!

[Working from home today and helping get my kids ready for school] 6yo: Mommy, daddy, are you each other’s Valentine? Me: Yes, of course. My SAHM wife: I’ll get back to you by close of business day.

So glad I helped 3 kids make 75 valentines for everyone’s trash cans.

Is there anything more romantic than your partner “sneaking out for a few minutes” in the middle of Valentine’s Day and then *shockingly* surprising you with a gift when they return? Never saw it coming.

My kindergartener on the first name of 20 names he has to write on these Valentines: “How do you make a J?”