This would guarantee my spot

More sage advice from our resident speech expert, Chandler Dean:

'For every good joke that a professional comedy writer writes, they’ve written approximately 379 jokes that do not work. Your ratio will be worse.'
mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-t…

A little joke from my Writers Guild Awards monologue.

In my latest speechwriting column for Timothy McSweeney, I hope to save various groomsmen and bridesmaids from themselves.

mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-t…

People who are having an awesome night have the same energy as people who are having an awesome night

I’m seeing 11 here! Ocean’s 121!

To a hammer, everything looks like one of the guys from Jackasses’ balls

First as tragedy. Then as farce. Sour Patch Kids: tragedy, farce, gone.

Flying WEST for PIGEON PRESENTS: NIGHT PICNIC, our LA premiere!!! 💕🌸🥖 🐦eventbrite.com/e/pigeon-prese…

It's always a meteoric rise. Why can't anything else be meteoric? I want to eat a meteoric meatball

The media seemed to disagree on whether Colbert's statement on his Kate Middleton jokes was an apology.

My take: it wasn't. Instead, what he said was more interesting and honest. Read about it in my latest column here: mcsweeneys.net/articles/steph…

TONIGHT! The Skint has deemed SpeakEasy one of the best things to do in NYC. SpeakEasy now or forever hold your peace.

TOMORROW!

Featuring GL, Giovanni Colantonio, Dave Ahdoot, Chai Karve, Brianna 🍓, and Beah Jacobson!

Babe I swear I’d wear the eclipse glasses but I’m allergic 😔

I’m actually gonna be in Gibraltar on August 2, 2027 so I think I’m gonna skip the eclipse today so I can play on my phone

It’s a beautiful cosmic coincidence that the sun just so happens to be a million times bigger than the Buc-ee’s sign, but it’s also exactly 1 million times further away.