Hey, your professor here. I woke up at 4am the day grades were due and just gave everyone a B. Hope that clears things up

🎶This is mouse control to major tom, 🎶

I’m glad you guys liked “cocky want boing boing” cause it got me fired

Pull up your bootstraps, kid. Because maybe while youre down there, you’ll find some money. And that’s the american dream: Finding $20 on the ground

What not getting on SNL does to you

Lost in translation... Lost in transvestites.

What? … Gen Z is tryna what?? … Cancel Over The Hedge (2006)… Gen Z is trying to cancel Over The Hedge (2006)? Oh honey, that’s cute

This is officially Ana de Armas ❤️💃

i think about this tweet every single time i like a picture of dua lipa on instagram

Rest in peace Adam Driver 2024-2024. This picture was taken moments before I accidentally stepped on her and squashed her like a bug 😑

so apparently “Bi Panic” is not a viable legal defense for vehicular manslaughter

🎂

(approaching you in a bar)Tortured Poet Dpesrtment is a PERFECT album (turning and addressing no one) Sir Yes Sir. It Shall Be Done

Polyamory isnt a “choice” (like gay). Its a genetic condition that can only be treated by having sex with the ugliest girl in the bar. And my wife has to know about it.

Two year olds when you tell them the second letter of the alphabet

Matty Healy ,i received the hidden messages You sent me through my toaster

-8.07258, -98.71493
-58.77224, -128.23221
9.05925, 85.69597

Stewardess: [on plane intercom, slightly panicked] ladies and gentlemen pls remain calm but if there’s a pussy in this bio please come to the front of the plane

Fully nude AI generated woman: [whispering to the elderly woman next to her] someone else will help, I’m on vacation

there should be a lottery but instead of money you win Hand Jobs..... Oh wait that already exists and it is called 'LIFE'