I just want someone I can crack jokes and be dirty minded with. Shouldn’t be so hard to find

I may look fine but deep down I really want an iced coffee

Pardon me, might you have a rotisserie chicken to spare?

Apparently you still have to put a shirt on to take the dog out to potty even if you’re high. Lame

Not remembering how a gummy effected you the last time you took it so you figure it’s a low dose and 3 shouldn’t be too bad then you realize 30 mins later you’re higher than you should be and need a crane to lift you off the bed.. ps send a crane

I just found a pack of peanut m&m’s in the bedroom I must’ve hidden from myself and idk what me then was going through but me now would like to give her a hug

The sluttiest thing a guy can do is be willing to fight for you.

I can’t skip to my lou anymore but I can take a few extra minutes to get off the couch now

Anyone that doesn’t like these tell me now so I can block you.

If you can’t handle my boobs at my waist then you don’t deserve them smooshed in your face

-a song in H flat

Good gravy I’ve done em all. No wonder AARP started sending me junk when I was still in my 30’s 😆

Men who can talk about their feelings are sexy AF. 🥰

I used to want to marry you
I used to want to be loved by you
I want to be free of you

They’re closing one of our libraries down in order to rebuild a newer and better building. Today the kid and I have giant bags we plan to hunt treasure with and come home with a bountiful booty of books. We are the Goonies

ISO: one of those sleepovers reminiscing about singing in the Target dressing room, telling stories about boys we thought we loved and needed, laughter and tears over cheesecake, wishing on stars and staying awake until the sun peaks through the windows

Wanna lay in bed and watch vegetable chopping videos?

the A in her name stands for A bitch you don’t wanna lose

I just need someone who will sing karaoke with me, dance like no one’s watching, and kiss me during the guitar solos

Ain’t nothing hotter than a man who claims what’s his and makes it known.