I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said 'nevermind' 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL

Damn I can’t believe the wildly disorganized comedy club that actively dicks everybody out of money sent out our 1099s on APRIL fucking 12th at 11pm.

How I try to sound in booking emails.

“drag is inherently sexual” and it’s just me dressed as charlie brown

me, in a new city after one sip of coffee: “I could live here”

Dave Chappelle (suddenly getting serious 50 minutes into a special): On April 11th, 2024, OJ Simpson, Orenthal James, my friend, died. He fucking died.

You will pry this website only out of my cold, dead hands.

I’ll be playing the role of the boot.

The Animals are cool cuz they are way scarier than any heavy metal band while wearing matching little suits. They’ve definitely killed people.

YALL SO FAST 😭😭😭

My album Everyone Should Be My Exact Same Age is out now and streaming on all platforms

Hope you enjoy ❤️

open.spotify.com/album/2czZZOeX…

Her replacement gone have trouble.

Could we make the tweet font a little larger? I’m trying to drive.

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

Slept right through that eclipse. Not gonna get me out of bed by saying ohhhh its so rare it won’t happen again for two decades or whatever. That’s what they told us about Columbine.

Orange County, California! This weekend April 12-14 I’m headlining Irvine Improv / I will be performing with my shirt off and telling a story about the time I partied with the Russian mob and they called me “The Machine.”

FYI me n Amy Miller tickets here: ticketweb.com/event/netflix-…

We can’t all stand on business, sometimes yall need to sit on shenanigans.

“Charlie bit my
Charlie bit my
Charlie bit my fingerrrrr”

To the tune of Linger

If The Rock runs for President he should go by DTR Johnson. More Presidential. Ppl will be like “wait WHICH President Johnson? LB OR DTR?? “ 🇺🇸