nothing prepares me for the realization that 2015 was not a couple years ago but actually almost a decade ago

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, "do it yourself."

all snacks are low-calorie and guilt-free when you eat them on a roadtrip

If you park in your driveway and block the sidewalk, I’m walking up and around the offending vehicle and through your yard, IDGAF

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Yes, I have E.S.P. (emotional support pizza)

Summer breeze makes me feel fine, but autumn breeze makes me feel finer.

Wear clothes the same color as your pet and start living your life

Just me doing the mobile order strut in front of the peasants waiting for their in-store food

Me when my uncle said he’d k*ll himself if Kamala won.

pretty smart to call them both because it might be a real ghost or it could just turn out to be some dude in a mask

Got a warning from the HOA about leaving the garbage can out one extra day, if you’re looking for a bad girl

the seventh grader in me wants to high five whoever did this

Have you ever let down your hair and your whole scalp feels bruised

When someone says a house has good bones, it means it doesn’t have Osteoporosis.

My cat barfed on the tile instead of the carpet and I can't help but think he has a devious endgame

the greatest trick my dog ever learned was convincing me that i’m actually her emotional support animal

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

My girls finally start school today so I gave them a hug and kiss goodbye and peeled the fuck out.

My favorite pastime is watching a movie based on a book I read and then loudly critiquing said movie until everyone gets mad and leaves