the retirement age needs to be lowered to 23 because i’ve had enough

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week

Just like we drew it up.

HOLD ON HOLD ON HOLD ON...HER SISTER WAS A WITCH RIGHT? AND WHAT WAS HER SISTER? A PRINCESS, THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST BRO. YOU'RE GONNA LOOK AT ME AND YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME THAT I'M WRONG? AM I WRONG? SHE WORE A CROWN AND SHE CAME DOWN IN A BUBBLE

YOURE MAKING ME LOOK LIKE A JACKASS IN FRONT OF SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK

“I love the song about your farts”

I act like I’m ok but deep down I wanna lose 20-30 pounds. But not the healthy way and not by going to the gym. I want some Ozempic 💀💀💀

y’all

It’s probably the sheltered life here but man, all the girls I’ve met so far are hyper-dependent pick-me’s 😵‍💫

Your mother being alive, is a blessing bro. A huge one.

of course i get myself whatever i want, i love her

I don’t live in nj anymore but my inbox this morning was just 🤯🤯

The most exciting part of my day was me descaling my keurig. This is #27.

My budget for August is $5 respectfully

Said I wouldn’t be a first birthday parent and now here I am, being a first birthday parent.

Grocery shopped, handmade dumplings (on some weird dough kick this week), cooked for the week, baby is asleep, baby daddy and dogs are fed, kitchen is cleaned, showered and in bed by 8pm? 😤 if it was Friday I would be chugging beers right now to celebrate.

🫡

I need to move off this island because I’m pretty sure I’m 70% chicken katsu 30% shaved ice.