My mum's dead so that saved me the cost of a card and flowers.

#Winning

I used to think Greggggg Wallace was a bit of a bell end but it seems I was wrong, turns out he's not a bit of a bell end at all, he's actually a massive cunt.

Been locked out so have been forced to the pub for warmth (and beer)

The main advertisements at Rodney Parade seem to be for Carling and Cash Converters which sums up #Newport perfectly. #FaCup

I have some questions.....

What soup was it and was it home made or shop bought?

Am off for a walk along the sea front to watch all the Boxing Day turds head out to sea.

I'm about to eat cheese, all the cheeses.

Home Alone is by far me of my favourite movies where every single person in it is a diabolically hateful cunt. 🎄💖

HAVE A GREAT DAY CELEBRATING THE BIRTH OF SANTA! xx

Work have given me a new laptop with strict instructions not to watch porn on it .... but I'm allowed to use it to edit my own homemade videos apparently.

Have been vegetarian this week and now I'm shitting through the eye of a needle. I need some meat in my colon.

(Not in that way)

Unconfirmed, but it looks as though Princess Charlotte is rewearing the same maroon coat dress she wore for last year's service

Joey Barton stations himself near the checkouts at his local Tesco to make sure no females are attempting to buy Yorkies

I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.

Shame McGowan

Went to IKEA today and had a look around, I'm not sure that place will catch on to be honest.

Friday - pub then became a victim of crime
Saturday - a lie in, pub then a curry.
Sunday - got the word BURRITOS tattooed on my hand, went to the pub, watched comedy and fell off a rental scooter.
Monday - once yearly trip to IKEA.

Saved the peak excitement until last.

Someone broke* into my car when it was left outside the pub and they stole my wallet and a box of TicTacs but didn't steal my trainers OR the house keys that were in there.
Weird.

*They didn't break in, the wife was in such a hurry to get into the pub she didn't lock the car

“BUT WHEN IS WHITE FRIDAY?”

Yes! Legend.