As the government advises people to behave responsibly today, many see it as ironic as we're still waiting for the government to do the same.

Government announce 'independent' investigation into David Cameron's lobbying, lead by [squints at notes] the son of a Conservative peer.

Jobseeker's Allowance: £74.35 p/week Statutory Sick Pay: £96.35 p/week House of Lords Attendance Allowance for making video call tribute to Prince Philip: £162 for the day Priorities: priceless

In today's episode of 'The Conservative Party Doesn't Have a Corruption Problem', Health Secretary Matt Hancock 'gifted' 15% stake in a firm which happens to be owned by his sister, and was recently awarded two NHS contracts worth £300k.

BREAKING: Inquiry into Matt Hancock awarding £300k NHS contracts to his sister’s company to be lead by his sister.

Man who patted Matt Hancock's dog in local park surprised to receive £3m NHS contract for surgical gowns the next day.

In today's episode of 'The Conservative Party Has No Links To The Right-Wing Press', Boris Johnson appoints former Associate Editor of The Daily Mail, Jack Doyle, as Director of Comms; replacing James Slack, who joins The Sun as Deputy Editor.

Boris Johnson annoyed that the 'greed' of the European Super League isn't the type of greed his pals can profit from.

British public utterly amazed at PM's speed in setting up emergency meeting to discuss European Super League, given his previous hesitation to attend COBRA meetings or meet those bereaved due to COVID.

Plans to use £2.6m briefing room for televised White House-style press conferences axed by PM, as he realises he'd have to answer questions in it.

Boris Johnson offered to 'fix' tax rules for James Dyson; who campaigned for Brexit then moved to Singapore to avoid paying UK tax.

coincidence (noun) Lord Brownlow, who donated £58k for PM's flat makeover plus £3m in total to the Conservative Party, owning a company that's been 'awarded' £120m in public contracts since 2017.

Conservative Party 'unfazed' by news that The Electoral Commission could fine them £20,000 if it finds the law has been broken, as they've already lined up a donor to pay it.

Finally, Boris Johnson is taking this sleaze scandal seriously by appointing an Ethics Adviser who *checks notes* is a paid adviser to an arms company with a history of corruption allegations.

In an aim to become more impartial, the BBC appoint Theresa May's former spin doctor, Sir Robbie Gibb, to the board. He joins Richard Sharp, who donated £400k to the Conservative Party, and Tim Davie, a former Conservative candidate.

Amazon announce £5.8bn profit in the first 3 months of 2021, meaning they're now likely to pay about as much UK tax as one of their delivery drivers.

Things £200k can buy: - 3 bed detached house in Hartlepool - 'Luxury' flat refurbishment - Ferrari 488 GTB - Sprinklers which would have helped prevent Grenfell Tower fire - 1.5 hour Brexit speech from David Cameron - Multimillion-pound Government PPE contract

Chancellor Rishi Sunak suggests wealthy families will be spared from a "US-style tax raid". We've been assured that the fact he's worth over £200m has nothing to do with this.

coincidence (noun) Boris Johnson’s brother, Joseph Johnson, being appointed as a director of the Dyson Institute, a week after James Dyson texted Boris Johnson asking for his tax problems to be 'fixed'.

FUN FACT: There have been more breaches of the Ministerial Code by Tory Party MPs in the last year than cases of voter fraud in the last election. #VoterID