And now…a ‘joke’.

When is a method of telecommunication like a walking baby deer?

When it’s a mobile fawn…

*coughs*

And now…a ‘joke’.

When is a pig alcoholic?

WHEN IT’S SWINE…*coughs*

I’ve just said “morning my baby kitty” in a silly baby voice whilst beginning the slow descent downward to deliver stroking to Eldestdaught’s black hobnail boots which I believed was our cat. It’s been a strong start to the day, I feel.

Now I’m in my fifties,I find that I am questioning a lot of things I simply accepted during my younger years such as why are there no female zombies in ‘Plants Vs Zombies’? And how can you have square sausage? And why have domesticated animals not yet evolved enough to speak?

Some swine has taken our bin at work. I am taking the matter incredibly seriously.

A ‘Health and Wellbeing Coach’ came into work today with some magical scales which basically tell you how fat, old and unhealthy you are. I have a metabolic age of 66 but over half my weight is muscle which is unfortunately hidden beneath the half of me that’s fat.

Middledaught send her thanks to everyone who helped. I now feel incredibly thick and need a lie down after using my non-mathematical brain to try and work it out.

And now…a ‘joke’.

“Dr, Dr! I cut my finger whilst chopping up lettuce, tomato and cucumber and my hand turned into a pile of salad. Can you make it better?”

“Certainly. I’ll just pop a dressing on it”

You are very welcome *coughs*

While looking at cars online I found a review of a local car dealer:

NATIONAL TRUST! I cannot believe you have utter filth depicted on your rotating toy display!

NB: The display rotates not the toy. Although they do sell yo-yos but they spin rather than rotate.

And now…a ‘joke’.

Which Carry On star went on to become a lumberjack?

Charles SAW TREE…*coughs*

One for the kids, there.

I have just put my pants on by dangling them down by my ankles with one hand whilst holding onto the wall with the other in order to get my foot in the leg hole without putting my back out and/or falling over. Just in case anyone was wondering just how alluring I am.

🎶Why do Bards suddenly appear
Ev’ry time you are near?
Just like me
They long to be
Or not to be
Close to yoooooooou🎶

#Shakespeare

Marks and Spencer Food Hall has taken to playing a reworking of Quo’s ‘Rocking All Over The World’ with lyrics including ‘Saving All Over The Store’.

This is not just an horrendous earworm which makes customers want to rip their ears clean off, it’s an M&S horrendous earworm…

Just seen myself on a Ring doorbell video.

I’m not sure I’m doing Facebook correctly as I’ve never posted that I have Taylor Swift tickets for sale.

Following on from this story, here’s a sneak peek at Rishi Sunak’s London Marathon costume.

And the award for ‘Biggest, Complete Twat of a Penis’ goes to…RISHI SUNAK for coming up with the fantastic idea of stopping GPs signing patients off which will lead to people working themselves to death or having to leave their job thus increasing unemployment and poverty. YAY!

Well...

What in the name of sweet Judith Chalmers is all this nonsensical nonsense? I want the old Twitter back, where people dicked about on here because of procrastination and not in an attempt to self promote and get a book deal off the back of one vaguely amusing anecdote.