I'm trying to remember what the French word for white is...

But my mind keeps going blanc.

People think grass don't be wet in the morning.

But it dew.

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only had 9 toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.

My fiance and I wanted to get married at the public library

But they told us it was all booked up

Why are skeletons so calm?

Nothing gets under their skin.

Why do fish always know how much they weigh?

Because they have their own scales

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling jokes.

I turned to a local tribesman and said 'That lizards really funny.'

The tribesman replied, 'That's not a lizard. He's a stand up chameleon.'

What superhero loves being out in the sun?

Cap-tan America

I asked my friend Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.

But he was Nicholas.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

For her birthday, I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there looking at the trees for half an hour.

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently.

A man goes to a zoo, but the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It was a shih tzu.

An English man, a Spaniard, a Frenchman, and a German go to a club. The guy on stage asks if they can see him. They said:

“Yes. Oui. Si. Ja.”

I was arguing with a guy in the pub who said he was a big pop star in the 80s.

I didn't believe him but he was adamant...

I've just had a stack of toilet paper rolls fall on me in the supermarket...

I'm ok though, just soft tissue damage.

Ever since I began sharing puns, my followers have doubled in sighs.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.

But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

Which nut is the angriest?

Pissed-achio

What is a city you cannot live in?

Electricity

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is