3pm? sorry that’s my time to be the most tired I’ve ever been in my life everyday

I'm in a group chat with a mail carrier and he shared this letter

SORRY THESE ARE SO LATE. I TRIED TO ESCAPE BUT MY ANKLE MONITOR WENT OFF

Aries: 70% percent of the universe is made up of dark energy, and it feels like you’re responsible for most of that.

Taurus: There’s no need to check your phone. Nobody wants to contact you.

Gemini: This is a good week to stay in bed and weep uncontrollably.

Cancer: You will continue to yearn for things beyond your reach while failing to appreciate your terrible life.

Leo: Why bother? No really, we’re asking. Why fucking bother?

Virgo: Nietzsche said, 'Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster' meaning you should only battle robots because how cool would it be to turn into a robot?

Libra: Don’t expect any big changes this month. You’re still going to turn into a giant hedgehog and there’s nothing we can do for you.

Scorpio: Like a stone skipping across a quiet pond, no one will hear your screams.

Sagittarius: Soon everyone everywhere will know who you are! And they’ll never let you forget the terrible meme they saw you in for the rest of your life.

Capricorn: You have a Pisces moon and they want it back. You thought you had committed the perfect moon crime, didn’t you? Fool.

Aquarius: People will rent ridiculous animal costumes just to show up at your door and mock you.

Pisces: Nothing is written in stone, but a disconcerting amount is written in blood. As you will soon discover.

SORRY THESE ARE SO LATE. I TRIED TO ESCAPE BUT MY ANKLE MONITOR WENT OFF

Aries: 70% percent of the universe is made up of dark energy, and it feels like you’re responsible for most of that.

Taurus: There’s no need to check your phone. Nobody wants to contact you.

Gemini: This is a good week to stay in bed and weep uncontrollably.

Cancer: You will continue to yearn for things beyond your reach while failing to appreciate your terrible life.