Animals don’t understand the concept of an accident. Your dog thinks you got out of bed in the middle of the night just to kick him in the head.

Raise your hand if you agree 🙋‍♂️

Humans with siblings have better survival skills because they've had experience in physical combat, psychological warfare, and sensing suspicious activity via interactions with the other spawns of their parents.

Life is confusing as a child because you don’t know what is going on. Life is confusing as an adult because you do know what’s going on.

People get mad at you for forgetting, but it’s impossible to forget on purpose.

I want whatever the people running at 6am have...

Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

Somewhere in the world, there is a tree that sprouted the same day you were born and has been growing along with you. 💭

🤨

Painkillers are the 'Mute Notifications' option for the body.

Let this sink in

Being new at a job feels like you're a new character on season 5 of a show.

We use our cell phones every single day but they never appear in our dreams.

b, p, d, and q are the same f**king letter and no one talks about it

Being alone and feeling alone are two different things. right?

People laugh about how cats love boxes, but if there was suddenly a box bigger than you in your living room, you’d probably go in it too.

Someone’s mom has probably used you as a bad example to their kid.

Biting your tongue while eating is a perfect example of how you can still screw up, even with decades of experience.

It’s not till you work a retail job that you realize 85% of people are dumb as rocks.