PSA don't go to Lowes on a Saturday during peak spring planting

I don't have a toolbelt. I have a bucket. My bucket has a tool belt. Ain't she a beauty? 😅

Dad cycle is complete. Coffee mug in one hand, other hand firmly planted on my hip as I survey my kingdom. Even did the head nod to a neighbor bringing in his bins (a day late, but I ain't no hoa snitch). A decade renting shitty apartments in LA, homeowner transition consummated.

People get angry when they can't control you.

When you wish upon a star, nothing happens. It's a non-magic luminous spheroid of plasma, silly goose.

I haven't been called fat or ugly online in a while and my ego is unbearably engorged.

The most important things to instill in your children is integrity, discipline, and accountability.

Fuck these dandelions

I could make a dope album out of the songs I make up for my dogs. Top hits include- 'Awesome Possum', 'The Flufferbutter', and 'Chicken Chewie'. I don't think you truly love your dogs if they don't have a personalized soundtrack and nonsensical nicknames.

You know you've unlocked a new level in life when you're excited to weed and feed. I need my lawn to evoke envy and strike shameful inferiority deep into the heart my neighbors. All will see and bend the knee to the suburban green goddess.

Fit of the day is for the girls 👑

Damn. I'm awake.

Two thoughts as you lay your head on that pillow tonight-

All the world's a stage. Don't be an extra in your own show. Write, produce, direct, and act the shit out of it. You're a star baby.

Hard roads lead to beautiful destinations. Crawl if you must, just keep fucking going.

Inflation seems to be the buzzword of the year, but reality is, these prices aren't coming down. Supply chain, manufacturing, labor; the economy is going through growing pains and we're all feeling it...but people are still spending. There is no incentive for corporations to…

My son said I walk like a Cinereous Vulture now and anyways he's up for adoption if anyone's interested.