Gave a bag of sand our builders left behind to the builders over the road. Briefly felt like I was in the trade, was a thrill.

Whenever I call Kevin the window cleaner and he answers I worry I’ll hear him falling off a ladder

For someone with so much money his teeth are incredibly badly done. A proper all inclusive Turkey lifetime guarantee job.

Pickles brought a live magpie through the catflap and then let it go. Second time he’s done that. They shit everywhere.

When the people of Dover said this time they wanted an MP with no convictions, this isn’t what they meant

Wondered how he’d spin this one

If your front two teeth fell out as an adult you’d be horrified. Finding an emergency dentist, wondering how you’ll show your face. If you’re 6 years old it’s the best thing you can remember happening and you can’t wait to show everyone.

Terrible fear of getting caught being the tooth fairy when you’re reaching under the pillow. Serious psychological trauma could be caused in later life.

Dortmund doing well in Europe always reminds me of being thrown out of a pub on the kings road for being underage during their 1997 defeat of Man United. In fact I was 14 and looked it but I did manage a couple of pints first.

There’ll be lots of people wishing you’d go to the palace

Whenever I see a missing cat poster I feel real envy

I don’t like this. All the other team names are just the name of the line or buses or transport police. What’s next.

Smothering grandpa

Going to see Richard Ashcroft at Kew in July. Could I BE more middle aged. Not ordered a hamper yet.

Plumber’s here. Bank holiday they don’t send their best.

Colin Hunt from the Fast Show voted for Count Binface