Ivanka is reportedly furious that Hope Hicks copied her 'smokey perjury eyes', 'brave full lips' and 'under duress brows' for her testimony today

After Hope Hicks sobbed on the stand about how much Trump loves Melania, Alexis Carrington commented, 'C+ for fake tears, D- for convenient memory lapses, A+ for great hair'

In her book Kristi Noem claims, with no evidence, that she met with Kim Jong Un. They discussed:
- Where Korea is
- Why no one's seen Lassie since Kristi took her for a walk
- Whether Kim also wants to be Trump's VP
- Why 'Kristi&Kim' would a great name for a Nickelodeon show

Lindsey Graham says the FBI took his phone after someone impersonating Chuck Schumer called him. The scam was only uncovered after a hopeful Lindsey waited for five hours at a downtown cafe, wearing a tight sweater and carrying a book with a rose in it

Laura Ingraham was “outraged” that CNN quoted Michael Cohen calling Trump Von ShitzinPants. Laura’s nicknames:
Fraulein Von PantiBunch
The Duchess of Snitty-on-Pout
Mrs. Tizzy TantrumSplatter
The Grand TrumpSucker of West ButtHurt
Her Royal Hannity of Noem

Despite rumors, Kari Lake says her friendship with Trump 'has never been stronger.' The proof:
'He had his assistant ask my name'
'My oil painting of him waves back'
'He calls me by a pet name - 'Security!''
'I had a dream where we switched heads'
'His limo swerved around me'

Trump's lawyer read a post into the record, in which Michael Cohen refers to Trump as 'Von ShitzinPantz.' PLEASE let Donald and Melania be announced at a royal ball as, 'Mr. and Mrs. Von ShitzinPantz, of the Florida Von ShitzinPantzes'

When asked about Kristi Noem's book with Kristi killing a dog, Kimberly Guilfoyle theorized, 'Maybe somebody slipped that in and she didn't see it.' To which Lauren Boebert replied, 'That happened to me at Beetlejuice'

DC court documents reveal that Trump and Melania have separate bedroom suites at Mar-a-Lago but with a door between them. The door is for:
- The lawyers
- It's a doggie door for Lindsey Graham
- Drug cartel cash
- When Melania tosses a starving python into Donald's room

Don Jr and JD Vance are BFFs. They're laughing about:
- Immigrants starving
- How beards don't disguise jowls
- Shopping in the Devin Nunes department at a Big&Tall store
- The idea of chicks voting
- Explaining hush money to your kids
- Why groveling is cooler than pickle ball

Trump claims he's not sleeping during his trial:

Trump's reportedly angry at his lawyer Todd Blanche for not being nasty enough, telling him:
'More Todd, less Blanche'
'Call the jury Mexican drug dealers and commies'
'Scream that the judge is trying to judge me'
'Slap the bailiff for looking at me'
'Where's the spittle'

Trump wants to 'monitor women's pregnancies' to arrest them if they seek abortions, while Kristi Noem thinks 10-year-old rape victims should be forced to give birth, or be jailed. This is the mainstream Republican Party, where cruelty is the platform

Elise Stefanik's filed an ethics complaint against Jack Smith, because:
- He didn't find her a prom date, even after she agreed to buy her own corsage
- He refused to sign her birthday card or let her sign it for him
- He won't let her wear his varsity jacket

Eric Trump joined his Dad in court today, the only family member yet. Because:
- He was promised a pudding pop
- Ivanka kept saying, 'You go. It's not like you have a life'
- Lara tricked him by saying, 'there's a pony'
- He keeps waiting for the Law&Order music

The paperback edition of my novel, FARRELL COVINGTON AND THE LIMITS OF STYLE, is available today! I'm so grateful to anyone who's already read the book, but why not collect it in all formats - watch out, Taylor Swift

On Fox Kayleigh McEnany said people 'look back to 3 years ago and remember the good days of President Trump.' Of course, Biden was president then. Kayleigh studied math with Lara Trump, animal husbandry with Kristi Noem and journalism with a tree stump

Kimberly Guilfoyle's written a children's book called The Princess and Her Pup. It's about:
- Her erotic journey with Don Jr
- That weekend at Kristi Noem's farm
- Wearing the shower curtain
- Typing with press-on nails
- Your publicist convincing you not to hold the book naked

Trump's asked Kari Lake to spend less time at Mar-a-Lago. Because:
- She steals towels and flatscreens
- He caught her using his pants as a cabana
- She calls room service imitating Melania
- Nude sleepwalking through lobby
- Slap fights with Lindsey Graham over pool boys

Kristi Noem says by killing her dog she was 'acting responsibly.' Also:
- Dog barked at her hair extensions
- Dog knew more words
- Dog had a better chance of becoming Trump's VP
- Dog had friends
- Dog stole Kristi's chew toys
- Dog called Kristi's jewelry 'mall crap'