Lindsey Graham appeared at the courthouse today, declaring, 'Mr. Donald Trump is only guilty of one thing - buying me this fur and a banana daiquiri. I would've testified on his behalf but my diamonds were being cleaned. I'd be proud to meet him in any hotel bar on earth'

After Melinda French Gates announced a billlion dollar donation to global organizations supporting women's equality, Ivanka responded that she's allowing her housekeeper to look out the window at the pool for thirty seconds once a week

Trump defense closing arguments:
- He can't be guilty because look at that face
- He's a straight white man so how can he be a criminal, duh
- The court's confused him with Don Jr
- He's been president for 18 years
- Kim Jong Un would be here today but has to execute a relative

Tiffany Trump will be in the courthouse today, singing her medley of Wayne Newton's greatest hits, asking couples how long they've been married and dedicating 'Danke Schoen' to 'a very special lady, my beautiful stepmom Melania'

Eric and Lara Trump will be in the courtroom today. They'll also be using the names Lord Branley-Bladderbutt and Miss Fifi LeRhinestone to get out-of-town businessmen drunk at a local bar and steal their watches and credit cards

That moment Snow White said, 'No thank you, I'm good'

Eric Trump posted that his family has 'sacrificed everything for America.' Compare them to Pete Buttigieg who's said he was 'packing my bags for Afghanistan' when Trump was 'working on Season Seven of The Apprentice'

RFK Jr claims that while rafting on the Amazon, he was attacked by indigenous people with bows and arrows. George Santos confirms this story, saying, 'I was on the raft too, with my Mom. That's how she died'

Elise Stefanik is gazing at Stephen Miller and thinking:
'I'm picturing him without his scaly shell and 58 legs'
'I'd wear his armband to prom'
'If he kissed me I'd die. That's what scientists say'
'I'd climb him like a tree with Dutch Elm disease'
'He's my cicada with benefits'

After a crowd aggressively booed Trump at a rally last night, Melania demanded, 'How did they get my ringtone?'

The folks demanding 'change' are always vague about specifics. They usually mean 'I half-listened to something on the news and I'm paying more for snacks. This country's on the brink of civil war!'

For $175 you can buy Melania's Fortitude medallion, honoring the unsuccessful models who came to this country, married rich men twice their ages, renegotiated their prenups and never helped anyone. 'These are real heroes' says Melania. 'I accept cash and Social Security checks'

Jeanine Pirro said Judge Merchan 'doesn't deserve to wear a robe.' She added, 'I'd like to see him in something like this outfit I made from a Weathertech seat cover. Rudy Giuliani said it reminded him of an expensive Cuban cigar'

This weekend we salute those brave heroes who faked bone spurs to dodge the draft 5 times, slashed veterans' benefits, demanded that John McCain's name be removed from a naval destroyer, and refused to visit a military cemetery because it was raining

Trump's top VP choice is Tom Cotton. Or as Josh Hawley swoons, 'Tom's already the Vice-President of me. When I gaze at him, I see solid American values, Christian supremacy and those big brown eyes'

Nikki Haley always presents herself as brave and independent minded, when she could give Lindsey Graham competition in The Mar-a-Lago Blowjobs, Handjobs & Groveling Tournament

I loved Furiosa but I want to see a Mad Max movie which takes place in holiday traffic on the Long Island Expressway

What the Thomases and the Alitos do on couples night:
- Pick out cars they want Repub donors to buy them
- Draw Hitler mustaches on each other with a Sharpie and agree that Ginni's his twin
- Drive around screaming 'HARLOT' at single women
- Play 'gay slurs' Mad Libs

Lara, the Dumbest Trump, is selling $100 'Trump loyalty' cards. The card entitles you to:
- Watch Giuliani eat
- Compare Lara's many noses
- Marry Kimberly Guilfoyle
- Legal advice from Alina Habba
- Tell Tiffany she's not a footnote
- Pay another $100 for 'shipping and handling'

After Nikki Haley announced she'd be voting for Trump, Lindsey Graham declared, 'I will be rubbing myself naked against the voting machine and filling out my ballot with my tongue as I moan, 'Donald Trump is the President of every part of me and I am his demon bride!''