An extended case study on why this is a self defeating argument - using Teesside University, which Simon is rightly very proud of.

Big Ben silent as the inbred of idleness play the banjo of Brexit. Colonel Sunak orders the mess tent closed and all chaps to sit outside. Three minutes into the thunderstorm, he relents, his cup of water refilled twice. For free, he chortles. Capt McVey laughs gaily. Iced.

I am the woman who took my rapist to court and won. I am the woman who took action against my rapist’s lawyer for traumatising me in court and won. I am the woman who is now going to receive compensation from said lawyer for what he did. The lesson: don’t underestimate women 👊🏽

World's Greatest Head Katharine Birbalsingh looks to be a week away for phoning her school bursar at 5am to demand £6500 because she's been chained to a radiator by bad men in rabbit costumes. And if her regime is so great, why do half her pupils identify as spaghetti hoops?

Big Ben silent as the lady of the lake raises the dagger of dysentery. Capt Atkins tells chaps that she'd give Jeremy Clarkson a right good seeing-to and no mistake. She'd also let that Fox fellow discharge his weapon at her target. Then she falls asleep, head in a pool of drool.

Sleep tight

Outside the stadium a very special mural has just been completed by Emmalene Blake

It is of Hind Rajab, a six year old girl who was murdered by the Israeli military, after being the sole survivor of Israeli tank fire on the vehicle in which she had fled with six relatives.

Her

Big Ben silent as the pedagogue of power hurls the chalk of change. Several chaps approach Capt Keegan in the mess, seeking more info about 72 genders. And are they, you know, BAD men, asks one quivering old chap. Is the playground indoors, asks a more practised stalwart. Lines.

Big Ben silent as the drone of drivel hovers over the camp of competence. Slight unpleasantness at the door of the mess as the Tup of Taunton, General Rees-Mogg, attempts to sign in a visitor. Not in those trousers, says the chief orderly, no damp mustard cords. Pee state.

The remake of Carrie looks a bit crap.

Big Ben silent as the odour of obduracy assails the nostrils of normality. Capt Braverman announces that she is giving all her money to feed the children and will wear only a hair shirt (I heart bairns). Chaps are a tad sceptical. She pops another eyeball into her mouth. Crunchy.

'Rainbow lanyards, sir, thousands of 'em'

🎵
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's Sunak
And Tories and love and romance
Let's face the music and dance

Before the fiddlers have fled
Before they ask us to pay the bill
🎵

'What I cannot accept is Labour's idea that all the worries you have are because of 14 years of Conservative government,' says Rishi Sunak.

Rishi needs a nice lie-down in a rubber room.

Big Ben silent as the zany of zealotry waves the straitjacket of strife. Col Sunak winces as he sits in the mess. He wonders if attaching small blades to his willy was a good idea. We will fight them on the beaches, he tells the chaps, and the pubs and the polo clubs. Scrappy.