getting a “positivity mindset” lecture from someone who lives in his car

I love when people refer everything back to themselves when you’re having a conversation.

Just kidding, I hate them.

I’ll take some sunshine and laughter, to go.

Meditate to Megadeth

- trust me

“I’ll worry about it next time”

- me pissing off future me

Zero time for meaningless shit

Can't... my wife hasn't yelled banzai.

You’re not gonna find anything up there you want to keep

- me to alien holding a probe

Welp, it's not the first time someone has lost interest because of the 'age factor'. Fucker.

After watching 6yo lift her shirt to lick ice cream off the front:

Sometimes life is better without napkins

Hindsight is a little bitch.

Belly dancing

But it’s just me trying to shake a dryer sheet out of my pant leg

single mothers are sacred

- when is child support payment deadbeat dad day?

Not even McDonald’s breakfast cured my hangover. Science has failed me once again.

Just scrolling away while asking myself why are you on my timeline

Why opportunity always knock after I tell him to use the doorbell?

Could you tell I was filled with I don't think so?

I guess it was just another one of those not todays

Too bad they don’t make filters for your jaundice personality.

My tweets may be terrible but I retweet some awesome people with funny tweets and/ or beautiful hearts.