Waiter: “did you save room for dessert?”

Billy Idol: “It’s a nice day for a bread pudding”

Just saw a woman in a wheelchair with her legs crossed. I do love experiential oxymorons.

It’s funny when life saving medications have life threatening side effects. It’s like if sunscreen caused lung cancer.

Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul will be our O.J. Trial

It’s cool how everyone on earth thought of the same 4 jokes about OJ. We’re really not so different.

This scene in Blackkk Klansman where they talk about OJ is so damn good. The energy, the pacing, the edit, all so enjoyable. Really elevates the movie.

youtu.be/yV5UTHVjMME?si…

*Adam Sandler voice*

“O.J. Simpson… not alive”

My tax accountant is named Jennifer Lopez. I call her Jenny from H&R Block.

When you’ve been added to someone’s close friends story on Instagram

You’re sitting in the back row of the plane and we landed one second ago, yeah go ahead and stand up.

Imagine you’re working at chipotle and some weird guy with a camera crew starts asking you questions about how fresh the food is.

Just applied for a job at BET hope this DEI thing I’m hearing so much about is real

Remember when you could tweet something and people would actually see it?

Friends with benefits in 2024 is marrying someone for their health insurance.

Has anyone else noticed that singles love to chat?

instead of liking one of my tweets, my brother will text me a link to it and say this is a good one.

in the south you don't say boyfriend, the term is 'significant brother'

Just because I’m not vegan doesn’t mean I’ve never inconvenienced a dinner party